I’m Baaaaaaaaaaack!

Holy fuck it’s been forever since I blogged. Been neglecting this a lot but no more. I am back and I have some shit I wanna talk about. Funny things, things that piss me off, things that I just don’t get why they have any use in the world. I’ve got a bunch of stuff written up so there should be some continuous blogs for awhile. Let’s get into this shit though, we have lots to talk about.

What is up with pomegranates?! First off if you like pomegranates, why? You probably eat them in some food that has it in it or some new energy drink that promises to boost your immune system or give you legs the size of tree trunks. Either way, it’s the most stupid fruit I have ever come across. Seriously, you eat what maybe 100 little “seed” shaped things and the rest is garbage. Imagine if we ate oranges this way. “Hey honey, were you gonna finish this orange?”. “Nah, that actual fruit. Throw it out! I already ate the peel.”. Pomegranate, you make the What The Fuck list.

I went on a field trip last week with my nephew. We went to the Canadian Legion for Remembrance week (Don’t ask why they chose October 18th-22nd Remembrance week). It got me thinking, didn’t you always feel upset when you went on a field trip and the bus drove by your house? Wait for it. Wasn’t it worse when the bus drove by your house and you still had to go back to school? What the fuck was up with that?! I usually was bused to school and half the time the driver I had was driving on the field trip. You know where I live! It never worked out that way eh. Can’t win ’em all.

Is anyone else annoyed by those late night dating commercials? Honestly, we’ve all seen them and each time I see one they get more and more outlandish with their claims. For example: “Call now and be hooked up with the hottest people in town!”. For one, the woman on the commercial. She’s a paid model. For two, she wouldn’t be using that service to find guys if her life depended on it. She’d much rather be out finding guys who actually get out of their mom’s basement. Another outlandish claim: “Everyone fun and exciting is staying in on a Saturday on (Fill in Dating Site here)”. Get real. All the fun and exciting people are out on a Saturday, or at least not going on a dating service over the phone. All that aside though, one thing makes me laugh at these commercials. Do you ever notice how both the man in the commercial as well as the woman in the commercial both seem to be talking at the same time? Next time you see one, take a look. How do you possibly hear what they’re saying if you’re talking at the same time? Haha, what?!

And finally for this comeback blog, I offer a small bit of humour. I’m a very humourous person (so I’ve been told) and I like to imagine possible scenarios. Imagine this: How in the fuck did a pirate with hook hands do sign language? I know what you must be picturing and it probably looks something like this:

Yeah, it made me laugh quite a lot. Could you imagine the other difficult things a pirate had to endure? Like how the hell did he go to the bathroom with hook hands (That one I won’t even touch with a 10 foot pole), or how did they clap? Haha, there’s really no way to know, unless someone feels like hopping in their Deloreon and going back to teach the pirates with hook hands sign language. Didn’t think so. I’ll write again soon so be sure to keep an eye out.

Superheroes During The Recession

Holy shit Batman! Its not just us regular joe schmo’s being hit hard by this economic recession. Now it seems it’s oozed into the world of our once prominent and strong superheroes worlds. How you say did this happen? Someone fucked up and it’s bad for all of us. So if you think you’ve been hit hard by the recession, you’ve got it easy compared to these superheroes and villains.

Almost everyone is a fan of Superman, am I right? Ok, I didn’t ask you Marvel. But anyway, I mean the guy is from outer friggin space. He flies faster then a speeding bullet, and he can tear you in half like a fucking phone book (not that he’d do it, but he could if you pissed him off enough). But he’s been hit so hard by the recession, he’s now being forced to rent out an extra room in the Fortress Of Solitude. That’s supposed to be his area, his thinking spot and the guy is in such dire needs, he’s gotta have a room mate now. And how do you even make that appeal to anyone? It’s a house made of stone (were talking the original fortress here people). What if someone read Superman’s private diary? Do you know how that fight between room mates would end? I do. He’d rip you in half like a phone book.

Now it’s only right that DC gets hit by the recession, so would Marvel. But oh man, they got hit so much worse! Renting a room is nothing compared to what some of the X-Men had to go through. Take Wolverine, he started an outrageous gambling habit to get more money coming in, but in the long run he ended up losing his home (which the other X-Men were pretty pissed about), his friends and his famous adamantium claws. Eventually, down on his luck he sold the claws for something more easy to afford: butter knives. Poor guy, can barely cut a pork chop so there’s no way he’s scaring anyone with those things.

But Wolverine wasn’t the only one affected from the X-Men. Cyclops, that’s right folks. People started complaining he was doing more bad then good so he lost his job. You can’t just shoot lasers from your eyes and expect everything to be okay. It’s not. Down on his luck, he’d heard about a new procedure people were getting to enhance their eye sight, lasik. And with the last of his money he had, and hope he opened the Cyclops Eye Lasik Centre (as low as $99 an eye!). All operations may appear differently then what was advertised.

Now come on did you actually think Marvel had been hit worse then DC? Of course not. Aside from the X-Men, the only one being remotely affected is Spider-Man (but he’s ALWAYS been delivering pizza. How much worse could it get for the guy?). Quick poll: how may people remember having clowns at their birthdays as kids? A few maybe. Whatever, the point is the clown population dropped so this next villain saw it as an opportunity to earn a little cash on the side. By earn a little cash on the side I mean he’s had to take a second job just to feed his minions. I don’t know how he does it, but he makes a good living doing the clown thing.

Now try to tell me you wouldn’t be scared shitless so much that you’d hand every last penny in your wallet to a clown who came to your birthday party looking like that! By the way Joker, that wasn’t my card (no one said he was good at what he did, wait I did ha ha. Still, he earns a good living doing it). If you’re interested in having Joker do your child’s birthday party, or come to your adult party (he pops out of cakes too), just give him a shout.

Now when we want service, we usually want it fast, am I right? Of course we do, time is a precious commodity to us. When I mail a package I want it to get to the intended destination in 1)good condition, and 2)in speedy time. Now with the regular companies getting hit with recession and economic turmoil, one of the delivery services had to rise above the others. They had to make themselves stand out from their competitors. Those people are FedEx. Why FedEx you ask? FedEx now has the guaranteed fastest deliveries or they’ll shoot themselves in the foot. They can guarantee this because they have hired the one, the only, the Flash! Now he did have to sign some waivers and go through regular training just like everyone else did but it’s the Flash! He passed phenomenally! One downturn he did have to experience though: FedEx now owns him so they changed his uniform and slogan. God speed Flash, god speed!

Stay tuned for more superheroes during the recession. Same bat link, same bat blog!

Welcome to Crackbook, Volume II

There are so many annoying, funny, stupid, downright moronic things I could write about but I’ve chosen something almost everyone can familiarize themselves with. Facebook. Now yes, I know I’ve done a blog on Facebook already, but honestly everyday the site takes another stupid turn or puts something up I laugh about that how could I not write about it again? So I say….welcome to Crackbook….Volume II mother fuckers.

What’s the one thing people hate on Facebook? (Besides those ads for some beer party at some mansion that you or your puny friends will never attend). It’s application invites for applications they don’t want. I’m gonna single one out here: Farm town. Ok, when I say one, I mean all those stupid farm applications. Who has the time to tend to a fake farm? You wouldn’t see any of these people taking a rake or plow and digging in the dirt to get a few measly carrots. What’s funny though is the way the application invite asks if you’d like to join. They’ve gotten clever. “Help!There is a lost cow and he has no home. Will you help him?”. Well of course I’d like to help the stray cow, but if I help him all his cow friends are gonna be banging down my door. And who are they to play up on my compassion for stray animals. You know what, no I won’t give this stray cow a home, but sure as shit I’ll take him around the back of the barn, slaughter his ass and eat him medium rare with some A1 steak sauce.

When people take a quiz like “What’s your actual age?” What the fuck is there problem?! Do you really expect Facebook to give you a different answer then your real age? These quizzes are all over the place on this site. Idiotic things like “How will you die?” or “What’s your wedding date?”. First off, fuck you Facebook for allowing such retarded applications. Secondly, fuck you to the makers of these dumb quizzes. ANd literally, you take the quiz, it spits out your answer and then what? You never use that application again. It’s a one time thing, and you now look stupid for having to ask an application quiz on Facebook to tell you what your birthdate means. It means you’re a fucking idiot dickwad.

I like certain sites, and I usually stick to what I like. So what frustrates me and kinda makes me laugh at the same time is when people post links on Facebook that take you to a completely different website (half the time which you end up having to pay to get in, only to realize your friend just wanted you to watch a shitty 3 minute video of them doing something stupid). Now I’m all for youtube, and google links, funny videos but when I start seeing shit not even my dead grandmother would care to see, it’s just boring. No one cares that you think your cat talks and it’s totally cool and you plan to take him on David Letterman. Cut that shit out, you’re only looking like a complete asshole who’s full of themselves. Oh, and if you slowly somehow notice your friends number dwindling, it’s not Facebook. It’s you.

Who seriously wishes they could dance as well as a 7 year old? Learn to fucking dance and shut up.

Pictures are a great way to let people know what you have been up to recently. But when people post pictures in May of something they did while they were on Christmas vacation, who cares? No one cares. It’s cool to see what you did at the cottage over the long weekend, and how your summer was but your poker night party from a few months ago isn’t earth shattering. No one will like your album and you’ll be shunned from society for making people believe you have a better social life then you do.

Note: These photos are all from my own personal Facebook but I have protected identities for reasons. If I didn’t block your identity, it’s cause I don’t give a shit.

Space invaders from Kitchener

You know what pisses me off? When people deliberately invade your personal space. I’m not talking people butting in where they have no business being, or listening and eavesdropping. No, I’m talking those mother fuckers who can see that you shoved into a two by two space already and they STILL think “can you squeeze over an inch? I just wanna get right there which then I’ll be in your space but I don’t care cause I’m fucking ignorant”. Umm no, no I won’t squeeze over an inch, but they don’t bother to ask cause they think you’ll just be fine with it. Well guess what stupid person one and two on the bus yesterday, fuck you. I have a huge duffle bag, and myself shoved into a space that someone of my size with that bag should not be. But let your fucking niece or daughter or whoever the hell it was just rampage the bus. While you’re at it, get the fuck out of my space and maybe take those three seats to your left, and sit your ass down.

I had the unfortunate news last week that my Great Aunt had passed away from a stroke. All I could think about was how awful it was going to be to attend the visitation and the funeral. No one likes to go to those. When do you ever see Joe so and so saying “Wait, Grandma died? Awesome, I can’t wait to get my good suit out so I can show it off to all the ladies!”. But then there’s that one thing that I totally forgot I could look forward to. Well alright, two things I could look forward to. One, seeing family I hardly get to see and two, free candy. You don’t even have to deposit a quarter in there, nothing. It’s totally free. You could take the bowl, empty it into your purse or your pockets and there’s no real shame in taking it. It’s free people! I did notice one downside to the free candy though, there were only mints. There were no fruit flavored ones, but it’s free candy. Who’s complaining?

If anyone who’s anyone have been bored recently, a good idea sometimes is to pop in a movie. You know what the annoying thing is though about ALL these movies nowadays? They all run the stupidest, most idiotic commercials before the film. I’m not talking those ones where you see a monkey dial a phone and order a pizza, no. I’m talking those ones where they need to tell you that downloading movies is illegal. And then then need to make up a ridiculous rating like it’s a movie or something, “Downloading movies is rated I for illegal”. These commercials are rated FR, for fucking retarded. Even with all these downloading illegal content cases in court, it still doesn’t stop people from doing it. Do you think sending us on some biblical guilt trip will stop us either? Things like “would you steal a purse? Would you steal a TV? Stealing movies is stealing”. Fuuuuuck off! What are you gonna tell us next, that stealing movies will make us impotent?

You’d think if you were a donor you’d know it, right? Not all the time it seems. My sister works for a research company and they were looking for people who are organ donors, and people who aren’t organ donors. She calls up a women, around her mid-30’s and asks her if she’d like to take part in the survey to see if she qualifies to be put into a paid focus group. Sure, why not. This woman doesn’t even realize she’s an organ donor though. She goes to check her health card, maybe it was her driving license. Either way, turns out this woman is an organ donor and she never even knew it this whole time. How do you not know you’re an organ donor?! This sounds like another one of these ridiculous TLC reality TV shows like “I didn’t know I was pregnant”. Well maybe if you shut your legs and didn’t fuck like the Energizer bunny, you’d know tramp.

Listening to the radio the other day on the way to the train station (I know it sounds like I’m from the 40’s era, but just stick with me here), and I hear this triumphant commercial talking about bringing the Olympics back to Canada in 2010 and how great it will be to see Canadians win gold on their home territory. That’s awesome, and I hope that we do. The funny thing about this commercial is that the end of it is as quotes: “This belief is brought to you in part by the Vancouver 2010 Olympics”. One, who sponsors beliefs? If people could just get things by believing in them, many people would be believing they could fuck a stripper, not get an STD and she’d call you back. Get over it tanto, it aint happening.

Speaking of strippers, check out this picture below. Who has a bachelor party and invites women. But not only that, who brings a baby to it?! That woman is whipping her tit out on the spot and letting that dude lick a shot off her. That’s awesome, but come on. Could you not get a babysitter?

Back on topic though, just believing in something doesn’t make it happen. Like for instance, just because I wanna believe The Wiz was a good movie, I know for a fact that it was fucked up and that the director and several cast and crew were probably high out of their minds when they made that movie.

Random photos to make you laugh

Hannah Montana AA Pass. I kidd you not people. I’m sure it isn’t what it sounds like but the label is what it is.

There was a no smoking sign that had been repainted near the entrance to the mall. Right along the edge of the freshly painted sign, a cigarette butt.

Pizza, universal remotes and clever marketing

This here is a recession mother fuckers. Seems it’s cut into my blogging and then I say “how the fuck did that happen?” seeing as I don’t get paid for this shit. I should though, fuck, that’s it. It’s now $0.25 to read my blog. Nah, fuck it, you can read it for free but in return, keep reading.

Lots of people have hundreds if not thousands of electronics all over their houses. And with these lovely gadgets always comes an even more outlandish (sometimes complicated) remote control. And then these fucking remotes end up piling all over and we lose them and we break them. They’re just a whole other thing all together. If you lose your remote, it’s worse then you’re electronics being broken. You can rarely use that shit if you lose one, and come on. You lose them, we all know. Just admit it and move on. So what’s the solution? Universal remotes of course. Or so some would think. Now though these damn universal remotes are getting so big and frustrating, we’d rather use our own hands to change a tv station. JVC, Sony, RCA, whoever makes these things, STOP mother fuckers! They don’t help, and then when we lose the universal remote, all the shit is useless. What do you expect us to do, walk to the DVD player and hit play? Fuck that. Just check out what I mean by how big they’re getting:

Pizza, the diet for the lazy, unemployed fat slobs of America. Now pizza is good, in rational quantities. I’m thinking of ordering food the other night and think “hmm all that’s open is pizza”. Shit, I don’t want pizza. I’ve already had it once that week. So instead I go for a panzerotti. No people, it’s different then pizza. It’s like a pizza sandwich. But that’s where the problem began. They tell me it’s a minimum two panzerotti order for delivery. Cool, fine. I was hungry and I wasn’t just ordering for me. I’m starving as it is, so as soon as that pizza guy got there, I was all into shoving that panzerotti down.  I take one bite, and the damn thing tastes like a warm loaf of bread. I taste no meat, I taste no cheese, I taste no sauce. All I taste is warm bread. And to top it off, it had the texture of bread. You’d think a panzerotti would have a texture like maybe a pizza pop or at least toast. Not this fucking thing. I don’t know how I managed to scarf half of that down. It was disgusting. And pizza pizza, fuck you.

Driving down the road the other day I see Pizza Hut. This was after my horrible experience with the Pizza Pizza panzerotti, so I’m not even thinking of going for anything they wanna sell me. Though it does get me thinking “I wonder how good their panzerottis taste?”. I didn’t feel like going and trying, so I wait til the time is right to test it. I see something funny on the outside sign though. Was it a funny word someone misspelled? Was it something someone had changed so it said something dirty? No, not even close. Plastered on the sign is “RIP Michael and Farrah”. Are you serious? Do you expect us to believe that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett were both customers of this Pizza Hut establishment? Not even one of those fuckers were Pizza Hut. You ain’t fooling no one. And it’s been like a month, don’t you think corporate would rather you put up how delicious your pastas are and to order them then that? By the way, I fully endorse the Pizza Hut pastas. But again, fuck you Pizza Pizza panzerottis.

So what’s next? A Wal-Mart story of course. I’m full of these things. They’re like gremlins. If you splash water on anyone in your vacinity, one of those people is bound to have a story about Wal-Mart. And one of those people if not more then one is bound to shove their foot up your ass. So I’m walking through Wal-Mart (pretty sure I was wasting time doing something) and I see this:

A little beaver. I’m sure all the old grannies are dying to have one right away, and I’m sure all the house moms can’t wait to get one. Marketing ploys these days aim at everyone self-esteem and sex. Have you seen the ad for the Slap Chop? He flat out calls Americans fat pigs. Oh how I miss Billy Mayes. It’s all over the place too, like here in this Taco Bell food ad:

The Volcano Box, sure. If you want it to sound like your girlfriends pussy has some mangled, nasty STD.

Churches for sale, baseball and July 4th

Passing by a church the other day, I see a giant “For Sale” sign on the front lawn of a church. For one, who is selling a church? Wouldn’t that be like selling God for profit? I’m pretty sure that’s a sin ha ha. But back to the original thought, who sells a church?! It got me thinking though, wouldn’t it be awesome to buy this church that’s for sale and renovate it so that it was liveable? Just think about it before you say “Alex, that’s a stupid idea”. You’d have endless seating for guests, plenty of storage space, the place is massive for parties, and my personal favourite, you can pad those pews up and put a huge screen at the alter and BAM the best fucking home theater anyone could want, and you’ve got it. Soon enough you could start charging for that shit, make a little profit. But then again, seeing that it used to be a church and all making profit inside a church is probably another sin. Fuck, we’re all gonna sin sometime, might as well make a few bucks eh?

Anyone watch baseball? I know, sometimes it can be boring but it’s not THAT bad people. No it’s not quite as exciting as say hockey or football, but it sure beats the shit out of golf, tennis, bowling and curling. Watching the Jays game a few weeks back, you see home plate every time someone comes up to bat. Next time you’re watching (if you do catch a game on TV sometime, or just want to test my theory) watch behind home plate, where the spectators sit. You see some funny, outlandish sometimes laugh your ass off hilarious stuff going on back there. Like one time, a woman was getting up almost every other pitch to go to the bathroom, grab snacks, drinks, souvenirs. This lady was finding every excuse not to watch the game. But that’s not even the funniest. During a Jays-Washington game, there were 2 average guys sitting left of home plate and they were dressed in full umpire outfits and acting like they could call shots, fake throwing new balls out and even flirting with other fans. They looked ridiculous but damnit all, they were funny!

What is that guy holding, a radar gun? I’m pretty sure the MLB has someone else doing that, it’s there job.

I have a few pairs of board shorts, which is pretty much for surfing or wearing if you don’t surf lol. What I dislike most about these shorts is that they always only have one pocket. Sometimes the pocket is in the side, but most of the time that thing is right under your ass cheek. It’s not that big and you can’t fit a whole lot in there. So whenever I wear them I only take my essentials. Wallet, keys and phone. Ever had anyone dial you by accident and not know they’ve dialed you? These shorts when I sit will do not only that, but with my ass. I’ve ass dialed people, been on the line and then they hung up. I’ll get a call back and wonder “why are you calling me, what’s up?” only to discover after their story that it’s happened once again. It does it in some pockets of mine too, but it’s almost always guaranteed to happen in the shorts. I’ve had someone dial me when it was in their breast pocket, that was rather interesting though ha ha.

What I need to get me is one of these protective “Cell phone boxes”, but really who wants that?

The other day was July the 4th, and honestly who the fuck cares? I’m Canadian. . Americans are always trying to outdo us Canadian neighbours. Bigger wars, bigger guns, bringing fairs up to our community centers on their independence day. Fucking jerks! But really, I did more on July 4th then I did on Canada day. I went to a sprinkler park, community fair and got a wicked burn. Canada day was awesome though too, it just seems I did more on July 4th. The only thing missing on July 4th that I had Canada day that I would have liked again, a nice medium rare steak. Kill me a cow and make it quick. I definitely could have done without the burn though.

Being someone who wears glasses, I’ve got to deal with the day to day things people with glasses deal with. What those things are, I have no fucking clue cause literally as long as you put your glasses on in the morning, there’s nothing else to it. But something struck me as funny the other day, so I pose a question. Do you think if you fall asleep with your glasses on, your dreams are more in focus? I’m not serious here, but it’d be funny to know if it truly makes a difference.

RANDOM BONUS: High or not, you decide!

Dora and Boots looked conked out of their minds. I think they took more then just a “trip”. Wonder what else is in that backpack.

Winnipeg Nazis, the Canadian Mint and old people

So I’m listening to the radio the other week (yes, I know who the fuck listens to the radio anymore?!), and I hear this crazy ridiculous story that I’m thinking “what the fuck is this about? That’s one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard”. So here’s the gist of the story: A mother and step-father in Winnipeg drew swastikas and other Nazi symbols on their daughters skin to send a message to the school. What the FUCK?! What kind of message is that sending to the school, “we’re white supremacists and we hate Jews”?. But no, it doesn’t end there. Apparently the daughter had also been missing several weeks of school because she didn’t want to sit next to a “non-white” boy (there words, not mine people). When your racist beliefs and judgement rub off onto your kids, you need to fucking stop! It’s good to note this story has a somewhat “happy ending”. The girl was taken out of the home from Winnipeg F&CS, stating the girl was not given adequate care. Last note to notice, the parents had problems related to drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence and mental health issues. Fucking Nazi Winnipegers!

Here’s a link if anyone wants to check out the full story:
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/manitoba/story/2009/05/27/mb-custody-hearing-swastika.html

So I’m relaxing the other day when something funny occurs to me. People know that all our money comes from The Canadian Mint. And people get paid by working. Hopefully everyone is still following. This is where it gets funny. The workers who work at The Canadian Mint are getting paid from the product they make. I really hope I’m not the only one to find this funny. Could you imagine working somewhere and getting paid with the product your making?

Person 1: “I love where I work. I get paid in product.”

Person 2: “Oh really, that sounds cool. Where do you work?”

Person 1: “Fabricland.”

Person 2: “Oh. Yeah, thats not so cool then.”

Still, I bet those employees at The Canadian Mint make a pretty penny from there jobs (pun intended).

Staying on the Canadian Mint topic, they’ve reported last week that there is a possibility that they have lost several thousand pounds of gold. They are not sure if it a difference in their records or if it truly is missing. What?! How could so much gold be reported as missing and they don’t even know if it’s really even gone. First thing, look for any suspicious employees. If you see someone who looks like they’re smuggling out 30 pound lunchboxes everyday, watch that mother fucker closely. Or secondly, if anyone happens to get change one day and they find a gold nickel, something ain’t right. Either way, something with security as tight as The Canadian Mint, and this still happens. Either get your records in check, or get someone who will. Gold nickels would be pretty cool to see though. They’d be collector’s items.

Old people. Everyone’s got Grandma’s and Grandpa’s (hopefully at least. If you don’t then I’m sorry but don’t worry I’m not about to shit slam granny here). Some old people can be so bitter and some old people are the funniest people you will ever talk to. Passing by this elderly woman taking the dogs for a walk, she stops, chit chats and then offers to go get them some cookies. I’m thinking “wow this old lady is pretty sociable and getting around pretty well for her age” and then think “Alex, that was rude to think, she’s doing just fine” ha ha. At which point my mom walking the other dog blurts out “What’s taking her so long?”. Holy shit, like come on here, she’s nice enough to go get them cookies, and she’s like a little elf. Let’s give her 5 minutes here. She came back, cookies by the pound and then told us she’d see us again soon with more. Old people, gotta love ’em.

RANDOM BONUS: What is that?!

What the hell is an occasional teacher? Someone who feels like not coming in Mondays, only working Tuesday through Thursday and taking Friday off so they can have a long weekend? Ha ha.

Garage sales, flushable wipes and “shocker” traffic signs

The warm weather has hit, and that means a whole shitload of things to come. Last weekend there was a garage sale and barbecue at the apartment I live in. Okay, maybe there wasn’t a barbecue but there should have been. Fuck it, I never even went to the garage sale either. And on that point, I guess it was just a sale, cause there was no garage, but is there ever these days? Think about it, in a few years down the road garage sales, rubbish sales, whatever you wanna call them, they’re gonna be phased out. Sites like Kajiji and craigslist are making the favourite pastime of garage sale hunting a thing of the past. By the way, who’s favourite thing is that?! They make it sound like a sport ha ha.

You ever think of how things they invent can make the world a better place? No, me either. But strolling through the store the other day, I happen to see this:

Moist flushable wipes, really?! I mean come on Cottonelle. I hear this is a new phase going around, where people now prefer wiping with moist wipes instead of the regular old 2-ply (or for all you restaurant owners out there, the dreaded 1-ply). This is ridiculous to me. How did they test the differences between the 2 products. I think it’s hilarious Cottonelle, a brand known for selling it’s toilet paper would sell such a thing. I guess it’s better then some no name coming out with it though, cause no one would buy that shit if it was 99¢.

Reading over a story online, I found this interesting bit that says  that Ronald Reagan (whom most of us know from his presidency) had auditioned for a movie role in which he would star as the President of the United States. For everyone not aware of things, Ronald Reagan was an actor before he was the ACTUAL President. The funny thing is, is that the movie executives thought that he did not have the “presidential look” to pull it off in the movie so he was turned down. If Reagan winning the presidency in 1980 wasn’t the biggest “Fuck you” ever, ha ha. You tell ’em Ronald (it’s cool, I can call him that. We used to be poker buddies).

It’s time for another installment of “Signs of the recession”. This shit is all over the place now. You can’t drive two minutes down the road without seeing some bullshit sign whether in favour or against the recession. Now when I say in favour, it’s against it but they try to put a positive spin on it. You know the signs I mean. Signs like “Sick of the recession? Come in for a $2 burger!”, or “Recession hitting you hard? Let us change your oil for a low price!”. That last one might be a little less likely, cause I know when the recession is hitting me hard, I don’t think how much I might need an oil change. But take a look, at how many different things I can find that show the ever growing recession:

That’s an inspection certificate. Great, at least they passed inspection. Wouldn’t something like that be of importance though, and maybe deserve a frame at least. No, it’s safe up high on that electrical box, don’t worry about it ha ha. Then check out this:

That folks, is a Smart car security vehicle. Security firms can’t even afford to get full sized cars anymore, fuck the recession. If you had to take someone into custody and wanted to hold them in your car, it’d better not be someone over 150 lbs or they’re not fitting in that fucker.  Funniest thing of the week….oh wait, I’m not done my blog yet.

BONUS: Shocker or flipping the bird, you decide!

It’s not great quality, but at first glance I thought this sign was flipping the middle finger, but look at it again and it might seem like a shocker. This one’s for you Kristin ha ha. Send your thoughts!

Kraft Dinner Doritos, sweater vests and downright lies

Holy shit! It’s been fucking forever since I’ve blogged. But who gives a fuck, I guess you people reading this might, so it’s time to blog away.

I stumbled upon a culinary masterpiece a couple weeks ago, and fuck was it good. For all you people wondering what is was, it was Kraft Dinner and crumbled ranch doritos. Fuck, it is so good! It made me think, how did other combinations come together, and more so, what else might taste good together. Some things you love separately, like cotton candy. Nothing tastes quite as good as some sugar on a stick. And then there’s rum. Who doesn’t love a nice rum and coke. But together, those two would taste like shit! Back to the doritos thing though, absolutely fantastic food for kids and adults. If you’re looking for something new to try, or just wanna wonder what to do with the crumbs in the bottom of the bag, try this fucking recipe. Yes, I call it a recipe cause it’s worthy enough to be in a cookbook. If you eat this and don’t like it, you’re taste-buds are fucked.

I was driving around town a couple weeks back and I saw a sign (I really wish I had had time to take a picture) that was along the lines of this: “Pointts Traffic Tickets. Beware of imitations, come see the experts!”. Okay, what?! There’s imitation traffic ticket fighting agencies? I’d think if you wanted to fight a traffic ticket, you wouldn’t care what the name of the place was, as long as they assure you that you have a good chance of getting off scott free. In this recession world we live in right now, Pointts, you need to accept the fact that there is other places that do this and just laugh it off. I seriously can’t believe this is there strategy to get you to stop using competitors. You don’t see Visa telling Mastercard users that using MC will give you herpes. Pointts, you are hilarious!

p.s. Mastercard users, you’re safe. You will not get herpes. As for you American Express users….well…yeah.

What is with sweater vests?! I’m just coming right out and saying it, they’re fucking stupid. It’s like “hmm I wanna be warm, but you know what? Fuck keeping my arms warm too. It’s not like I need them!”. And who the fuck wears these things? Uptight, white, business type men looking to look professional. Let me give you a tip idiots, it’s called a tie and a button up collared shirt. Preferably that shirt should be ironed and should be accompanied by black dress pants. Then just to give people you have the image of professionalism, wear dress shoes. If someone gets all the way to the shoes and thinks “I think some black high tops would complete this look”, dear God, no! Just stop living, it’d be better for everyone.

Something occurred to me while roaming through the grocery store today. I saw a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. Now you might be thinking “how is this gonna be funny?”, and I thought the same thing. But there’s a point to this, trust me. Here it is: What nut exactly is in Honey Nut Cheerios? There isn’t one, that’s what one. In this peanut scared world, you’d think they’d mention that somewhere. What gives the cereal it’s “nut” flavour? I think it’s hilarious that I’ve never noticed this, and I give General Mills kudos for tricking us all for so long.

Watching Arthur 2 last week (and by watch I mean sorta listen to as I drew on the “sidelines”), I was like “why am I watching this?”, haha. Though I did get a good laugh from the ending. No, it’s not that I didn’t like the cheesy “he wins in the end and it’s all better” ending. It’s the freeze frame ending. And I’m not alone on this one here. I caught the tail end of Hello Again, another 80’s flick and again it ended in a freeze frame. Could these films not afford a true straight to black ending? Look at some 80’s movies and you’ll see it. When you do, laugh and think “hey, that Alex guy was right. He’s fucking smart”.

p.s. It’s a point to note, I know I used a Dirty Dancing image and I know the movie didn’t use a freeze frame ending (as far as I know).

BONUS: Turning the world on it’s side

Apparently the library wanted to have bigger monitors, so it turned them on its side. Notice how big it is if it had been left the way it was, haha.

Lion King, and aisle seat stealing pandas

It’s been a little break for me from blogging, but I’m back! Shit’s about to hit the fan. I’ve been reading up on articles online, snapping pictures and figuring out what I’d like to write about this time. This blog is gonna be all over the place, so get set for some laughs.

Now by now I’m sure we’ve all seen The Lion King. I mean, come on. The movie was made in 1994 (Which incase anyone wanted to know, I had to google). The movies all about family and pride and commitment. Now I have nothing against The Lion King, that’s not what I’m laughing at. In this movie you also see the “circle of life” and how animals co-exist in the jungle together. It’s cute, it’s realistic (so they say), and it kinda makes you feel sad for all those helpless animals out there. But scrolling the net, I stumble across things that made me think “Lion King, you were waaaaay fucking off”. Just take a look:

That giraffe is trying to fuck that donkey (thanks Captain Obvious). You’re too damn tall to make it happen buddy. That’s not even the same species. Could you imagine what their love child would look like? It’d be a horrible looking animal that even the liger would poke fun at.

Now sticking to the animal kingdom theme I seem to have going here, I again was scrolling the net reading weird and fucked up articles. I’m reading up on this animal sanctuary, where they let all the animals roam freely in their habitat’s and allow them to co-mingle with one another. Easy going, free spirited. Sounds good, right? Well when you let this happen, shit like this happens:

Those tiger cubs are two steps away from realizing “shit, you know if we we’re a little older, we wouldn’t be sucking this pig’s teet, we’d be eating this mother fucker”. And then it comes to mind, those other 2 pigs must be thinking “I dunno about you, but something is fucking messed up about those other two piglets”. One pen over they have a panda sucking a rhinoceros off.

Taking flights can be a hassle these days for travellers with the effect of 9/11 and now with some airlines completely closing up shop in the midst of people’s vacations leaving them stranded. Conquest, eat shit. To just drop people off in an exotic location, they think they’re going to have the time of their lives. They expect that a plane will be there to pick them up and take them home. I felt really bad for the people stranded in Mexico, but then thought “fuck, they’re stranded on vacation. It’s not like they we’re held there by terrorists”. It sucks they got stranded for several days, but if you wanna get stranded, let it be somewhere tropical as long as you have some friends or family there with you. And here’s a question: Why are the aisle seats always the most sought after? I like a window view, it lets you see things you wouldn’t be able to see otherwise. It’s a bitch to get to the bathroom but it’s got a nice view. Regardless, why does this guy get the aisle seat?:

He’s a fucking panda, that’s why. That guy could rip your dick off in one try and you’d never see that shit again. Plus with all the bamboo that guy had before he got on the plane, you don’t wanna be in his way when he has to make a run for the bathroom. (By the way, I find this picture absolutely hilarious)

BONUS: Fooooore!

This has nothing to do with anything animal related, I just found it a little funny. Kudos to them for making me laugh though.