Archive for July, 2009

Pizza, universal remotes and clever marketing

Posted in Uncategorized on July 22, 2009 by humourgod87

This here is a recession mother fuckers. Seems it’s cut into my blogging and then I say “how the fuck did that happen?” seeing as I don’t get paid for this shit. I should though, fuck, that’s it. It’s now $0.25 to read my blog. Nah, fuck it, you can read it for free but in return, keep reading.

Lots of people have hundreds if not thousands of electronics all over their houses. And with these lovely gadgets always comes an even more outlandish (sometimes complicated) remote control. And then these fucking remotes end up piling all over and we lose them and we break them. They’re just a whole other thing all together. If you lose your remote, it’s worse then you’re electronics being broken. You can rarely use that shit if you lose one, and come on. You lose them, we all know. Just admit it and move on. So what’s the solution? Universal remotes of course. Or so some would think. Now though these damn universal remotes are getting so big and frustrating, we’d rather use our own hands to change a tv station. JVC, Sony, RCA, whoever makes these things, STOP mother fuckers! They don’t help, and then when we lose the universal remote, all the shit is useless. What do you expect us to do, walk to the DVD player and hit play? Fuck that. Just check out what I mean by how big they’re getting:

Big

bigger

Pizza, the diet for the lazy, unemployed fat slobs of America. Now pizza is good, in rational quantities. I’m thinking of ordering food the other night and think “hmm all that’s open is pizza”. Shit, I don’t want pizza. I’ve already had it once that week. So instead I go for a panzerotti. No people, it’s different then pizza. It’s like a pizza sandwich. But that’s where the problem began. They tell me it’s a minimum two panzerotti order for delivery. Cool, fine. I was hungry and I wasn’t just ordering for me. I’m starving as it is, so as soon as that pizza guy got there, I was all into shoving that panzerotti down.  I take one bite, and the damn thing tastes like a warm loaf of bread. I taste no meat, I taste no cheese, I taste no sauce. All I taste is warm bread. And to top it off, it had the texture of bread. You’d think a panzerotti would have a texture like maybe a pizza pop or at least toast. Not this fucking thing. I don’t know how I managed to scarf half of that down. It was disgusting. And pizza pizza, fuck you.

Panzerotti-bread-loaf

Driving down the road the other day I see Pizza Hut. This was after my horrible experience with the Pizza Pizza panzerotti, so I’m not even thinking of going for anything they wanna sell me. Though it does get me thinking “I wonder how good their panzerottis taste?”. I didn’t feel like going and trying, so I wait til the time is right to test it. I see something funny on the outside sign though. Was it a funny word someone misspelled? Was it something someone had changed so it said something dirty? No, not even close. Plastered on the sign is “RIP Michael and Farrah”. Are you serious? Do you expect us to believe that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett were both customers of this Pizza Hut establishment? Not even one of those fuckers were Pizza Hut. You ain’t fooling no one. And it’s been like a month, don’t you think corporate would rather you put up how delicious your pastas are and to order them then that? By the way, I fully endorse the Pizza Hut pastas. But again, fuck you Pizza Pizza panzerottis.

pizzahut

So what’s next? A Wal-Mart story of course. I’m full of these things. They’re like gremlins. If you splash water on anyone in your vacinity, one of those people is bound to have a story about Wal-Mart. And one of those people if not more then one is bound to shove their foot up your ass. So I’m walking through Wal-Mart (pretty sure I was wasting time doing something) and I see this:

IMG00427

A little beaver. I’m sure all the old grannies are dying to have one right away, and I’m sure all the house moms can’t wait to get one. Marketing ploys these days aim at everyone self-esteem and sex. Have you seen the ad for the Slap Chop? He flat out calls Americans fat pigs. Oh how I miss Billy Mayes. It’s all over the place too, like here in this Taco Bell food ad:

IMG00429

The Volcano Box, sure. If you want it to sound like your girlfriends pussy has some mangled, nasty STD.

Churches for sale, baseball and July 4th

Posted in Uncategorized on July 6, 2009 by humourgod87

Passing by a church the other day, I see a giant “For Sale” sign on the front lawn of a church. For one, who is selling a church? Wouldn’t that be like selling God for profit? I’m pretty sure that’s a sin ha ha. But back to the original thought, who sells a church?! It got me thinking though, wouldn’t it be awesome to buy this church that’s for sale and renovate it so that it was liveable? Just think about it before you say “Alex, that’s a stupid idea”. You’d have endless seating for guests, plenty of storage space, the place is massive for parties, and my personal favourite, you can pad those pews up and put a huge screen at the alter and BAM the best fucking home theater anyone could want, and you’ve got it. Soon enough you could start charging for that shit, make a little profit. But then again, seeing that it used to be a church and all making profit inside a church is probably another sin. Fuck, we’re all gonna sin sometime, might as well make a few bucks eh?

Church-theater

Anyone watch baseball? I know, sometimes it can be boring but it’s not THAT bad people. No it’s not quite as exciting as say hockey or football, but it sure beats the shit out of golf, tennis, bowling and curling. Watching the Jays game a few weeks back, you see home plate every time someone comes up to bat. Next time you’re watching (if you do catch a game on TV sometime, or just want to test my theory) watch behind home plate, where the spectators sit. You see some funny, outlandish sometimes laugh your ass off hilarious stuff going on back there. Like one time, a woman was getting up almost every other pitch to go to the bathroom, grab snacks, drinks, souvenirs. This lady was finding every excuse not to watch the game. But that’s not even the funniest. During a Jays-Washington game, there were 2 average guys sitting left of home plate and they were dressed in full umpire outfits and acting like they could call shots, fake throwing new balls out and even flirting with other fans. They looked ridiculous but damnit all, they were funny!

Behind-home-plate

What is that guy holding, a radar gun? I’m pretty sure the MLB has someone else doing that, it’s there job.

I have a few pairs of board shorts, which is pretty much for surfing or wearing if you don’t surf lol. What I dislike most about these shorts is that they always only have one pocket. Sometimes the pocket is in the side, but most of the time that thing is right under your ass cheek. It’s not that big and you can’t fit a whole lot in there. So whenever I wear them I only take my essentials. Wallet, keys and phone. Ever had anyone dial you by accident and not know they’ve dialed you? These shorts when I sit will do not only that, but with my ass. I’ve ass dialed people, been on the line and then they hung up. I’ll get a call back and wonder “why are you calling me, what’s up?” only to discover after their story that it’s happened once again. It does it in some pockets of mine too, but it’s almost always guaranteed to happen in the shorts. I’ve had someone dial me when it was in their breast pocket, that was rather interesting though ha ha.

Ass-dialing

What I need to get me is one of these protective “Cell phone boxes”, but really who wants that?

cell-phone-booth

The other day was July the 4th, and honestly who the fuck cares? I’m Canadian. . Americans are always trying to outdo us Canadian neighbours. Bigger wars, bigger guns, bringing fairs up to our community centers on their independence day. Fucking jerks! But really, I did more on July 4th then I did on Canada day. I went to a sprinkler park, community fair and got a wicked burn. Canada day was awesome though too, it just seems I did more on July 4th. The only thing missing on July 4th that I had Canada day that I would have liked again, a nice medium rare steak. Kill me a cow and make it quick. I definitely could have done without the burn though.

July-4th-Canadians

Being someone who wears glasses, I’ve got to deal with the day to day things people with glasses deal with. What those things are, I have no fucking clue cause literally as long as you put your glasses on in the morning, there’s nothing else to it. But something struck me as funny the other day, so I pose a question. Do you think if you fall asleep with your glasses on, your dreams are more in focus? I’m not serious here, but it’d be funny to know if it truly makes a difference.

focus

RANDOM BONUS: High or not, you decide!

IMG00365

Dora and Boots looked conked out of their minds. I think they took more then just a “trip”. Wonder what else is in that backpack.