Garage sales, flushable wipes and “shocker” traffic signs

Posted in Uncategorized on May 30, 2009 by humourgod87

The warm weather has hit, and that means a whole shitload of things to come. Last weekend there was a garage sale and barbecue at the apartment I live in. Okay, maybe there wasn’t a barbecue but there should have been. Fuck it, I never even went to the garage sale either. And on that point, I guess it was just a sale, cause there was no garage, but is there ever these days? Think about it, in a few years down the road garage sales, rubbish sales, whatever you wanna call them, they’re gonna be phased out. Sites like Kajiji and craigslist are making the favourite pastime of garage sale hunting a thing of the past. By the way, who’s favourite thing is that?! They make it sound like a sport ha ha.

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You ever think of how things they invent can make the world a better place? No, me either. But strolling through the store the other day, I happen to see this:

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Moist flushable wipes, really?! I mean come on Cottonelle. I hear this is a new phase going around, where people now prefer wiping with moist wipes instead of the regular old 2-ply (or for all you restaurant owners out there, the dreaded 1-ply). This is ridiculous to me. How did they test the differences between the 2 products. I think it’s hilarious Cottonelle, a brand known for selling it’s toilet paper would sell such a thing. I guess it’s better then some no name coming out with it though, cause no one would buy that shit if it was 99¢.

Reading over a story online, I found this interesting bit that says  that Ronald Reagan (whom most of us know from his presidency) had auditioned for a movie role in which he would star as the President of the United States. For everyone not aware of things, Ronald Reagan was an actor before he was the ACTUAL President. The funny thing is, is that the movie executives thought that he did not have the “presidential look” to pull it off in the movie so he was turned down. If Reagan winning the presidency in 1980 wasn’t the biggest “Fuck you” ever, ha ha. You tell ’em Ronald (it’s cool, I can call him that. We used to be poker buddies).

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It’s time for another installment of “Signs of the recession”. This shit is all over the place now. You can’t drive two minutes down the road without seeing some bullshit sign whether in favour or against the recession. Now when I say in favour, it’s against it but they try to put a positive spin on it. You know the signs I mean. Signs like “Sick of the recession? Come in for a $2 burger!”, or “Recession hitting you hard? Let us change your oil for a low price!”. That last one might be a little less likely, cause I know when the recession is hitting me hard, I don’t think how much I might need an oil change. But take a look, at how many different things I can find that show the ever growing recession:

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That’s an inspection certificate. Great, at least they passed inspection. Wouldn’t something like that be of importance though, and maybe deserve a frame at least. No, it’s safe up high on that electrical box, don’t worry about it ha ha. Then check out this:

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That folks, is a Smart car security vehicle. Security firms can’t even afford to get full sized cars anymore, fuck the recession. If you had to take someone into custody and wanted to hold them in your car, it’d better not be someone over 150 lbs or they’re not fitting in that fucker.  Funniest thing of the week….oh wait, I’m not done my blog yet.

BONUS: Shocker or flipping the bird, you decide!

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It’s not great quality, but at first glance I thought this sign was flipping the middle finger, but look at it again and it might seem like a shocker. This one’s for you Kristin ha ha. Send your thoughts!

Kraft Dinner Doritos, sweater vests and downright lies

Posted in Uncategorized on May 20, 2009 by humourgod87

Holy shit! It’s been fucking forever since I’ve blogged. But who gives a fuck, I guess you people reading this might, so it’s time to blog away.

I stumbled upon a culinary masterpiece a couple weeks ago, and fuck was it good. For all you people wondering what is was, it was Kraft Dinner and crumbled ranch doritos. Fuck, it is so good! It made me think, how did other combinations come together, and more so, what else might taste good together. Some things you love separately, like cotton candy. Nothing tastes quite as good as some sugar on a stick. And then there’s rum. Who doesn’t love a nice rum and coke. But together, those two would taste like shit! Back to the doritos thing though, absolutely fantastic food for kids and adults. If you’re looking for something new to try, or just wanna wonder what to do with the crumbs in the bottom of the bag, try this fucking recipe. Yes, I call it a recipe cause it’s worthy enough to be in a cookbook. If you eat this and don’t like it, you’re taste-buds are fucked.

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I was driving around town a couple weeks back and I saw a sign (I really wish I had had time to take a picture) that was along the lines of this: “Pointts Traffic Tickets. Beware of imitations, come see the experts!”. Okay, what?! There’s imitation traffic ticket fighting agencies? I’d think if you wanted to fight a traffic ticket, you wouldn’t care what the name of the place was, as long as they assure you that you have a good chance of getting off scott free. In this recession world we live in right now, Pointts, you need to accept the fact that there is other places that do this and just laugh it off. I seriously can’t believe this is there strategy to get you to stop using competitors. You don’t see Visa telling Mastercard users that using MC will give you herpes. Pointts, you are hilarious!

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p.s. Mastercard users, you’re safe. You will not get herpes. As for you American Express users….well…yeah.

What is with sweater vests?! I’m just coming right out and saying it, they’re fucking stupid. It’s like “hmm I wanna be warm, but you know what? Fuck keeping my arms warm too. It’s not like I need them!”. And who the fuck wears these things? Uptight, white, business type men looking to look professional. Let me give you a tip idiots, it’s called a tie and a button up collared shirt. Preferably that shirt should be ironed and should be accompanied by black dress pants. Then just to give people you have the image of professionalism, wear dress shoes. If someone gets all the way to the shoes and thinks “I think some black high tops would complete this look”, dear God, no! Just stop living, it’d be better for everyone.

sweater-moronSomething occurred to me while roaming through the grocery store today. I saw a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. Now you might be thinking “how is this gonna be funny?”, and I thought the same thing. But there’s a point to this, trust me. Here it is: What nut exactly is in Honey Nut Cheerios? There isn’t one, that’s what one. In this peanut scared world, you’d think they’d mention that somewhere. What gives the cereal it’s “nut” flavour? I think it’s hilarious that I’ve never noticed this, and I give General Mills kudos for tricking us all for so long.

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Watching Arthur 2 last week (and by watch I mean sorta listen to as I drew on the “sidelines”), I was like “why am I watching this?”, haha. Though I did get a good laugh from the ending. No, it’s not that I didn’t like the cheesy “he wins in the end and it’s all better” ending. It’s the freeze frame ending. And I’m not alone on this one here. I caught the tail end of Hello Again, another 80’s flick and again it ended in a freeze frame. Could these films not afford a true straight to black ending? Look at some 80’s movies and you’ll see it. When you do, laugh and think “hey, that Alex guy was right. He’s fucking smart”.

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p.s. It’s a point to note, I know I used a Dirty Dancing image and I know the movie didn’t use a freeze frame ending (as far as I know).

BONUS: Turning the world on it’s side

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Apparently the library wanted to have bigger monitors, so it turned them on its side. Notice how big it is if it had been left the way it was, haha.

Lion King, and aisle seat stealing pandas

Posted in Uncategorized on April 24, 2009 by humourgod87

It’s been a little break for me from blogging, but I’m back! Shit’s about to hit the fan. I’ve been reading up on articles online, snapping pictures and figuring out what I’d like to write about this time. This blog is gonna be all over the place, so get set for some laughs.

Now by now I’m sure we’ve all seen The Lion King. I mean, come on. The movie was made in 1994 (Which incase anyone wanted to know, I had to google). The movies all about family and pride and commitment. Now I have nothing against The Lion King, that’s not what I’m laughing at. In this movie you also see the “circle of life” and how animals co-exist in the jungle together. It’s cute, it’s realistic (so they say), and it kinda makes you feel sad for all those helpless animals out there. But scrolling the net, I stumble across things that made me think “Lion King, you were waaaaay fucking off”. Just take a look:

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That giraffe is trying to fuck that donkey (thanks Captain Obvious). You’re too damn tall to make it happen buddy. That’s not even the same species. Could you imagine what their love child would look like? It’d be a horrible looking animal that even the liger would poke fun at.

Now sticking to the animal kingdom theme I seem to have going here, I again was scrolling the net reading weird and fucked up articles. I’m reading up on this animal sanctuary, where they let all the animals roam freely in their habitat’s and allow them to co-mingle with one another. Easy going, free spirited. Sounds good, right? Well when you let this happen, shit like this happens:

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Those tiger cubs are two steps away from realizing “shit, you know if we we’re a little older, we wouldn’t be sucking this pig’s teet, we’d be eating this mother fucker”. And then it comes to mind, those other 2 pigs must be thinking “I dunno about you, but something is fucking messed up about those other two piglets”. One pen over they have a panda sucking a rhinoceros off.

Taking flights can be a hassle these days for travellers with the effect of 9/11 and now with some airlines completely closing up shop in the midst of people’s vacations leaving them stranded. Conquest, eat shit. To just drop people off in an exotic location, they think they’re going to have the time of their lives. They expect that a plane will be there to pick them up and take them home. I felt really bad for the people stranded in Mexico, but then thought “fuck, they’re stranded on vacation. It’s not like they we’re held there by terrorists”. It sucks they got stranded for several days, but if you wanna get stranded, let it be somewhere tropical as long as you have some friends or family there with you. And here’s a question: Why are the aisle seats always the most sought after? I like a window view, it lets you see things you wouldn’t be able to see otherwise. It’s a bitch to get to the bathroom but it’s got a nice view. Regardless, why does this guy get the aisle seat?:

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He’s a fucking panda, that’s why. That guy could rip your dick off in one try and you’d never see that shit again. Plus with all the bamboo that guy had before he got on the plane, you don’t wanna be in his way when he has to make a run for the bathroom. (By the way, I find this picture absolutely hilarious)

BONUS: Fooooore!

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This has nothing to do with anything animal related, I just found it a little funny. Kudos to them for making me laugh though.

Crackberry addicts, welcome!

Posted in Uncategorized on April 17, 2009 by humourgod87

This lovely device has brought people from all over the world together, and at times made us all complete zombies to it’s effect. But nevertheless, you can’t help but wonder what has people so hooked. And honestly, you can’t go ANYWHERE these days and not see at least 1 to say, oh 100 Blackberry’s glued to people’s ears and hands (not at the same time).

Now the Blackberry has come so far. If you’ve ever seen one of those rickety old shit Blackberry’s, you know what I mean. I don’t think those things even allowed you to text or make calls. It was strictly for emailing purposes. It’s like the stone age with those pathetic Blackberry’s.

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But that’s not even the worst of it, RIM put out a device that did nothing except send and receive email. That’s it. There is no extra features, upgrades or applications. This piece of shit is a fancy pager. No wonder it never sold. Thank God they stuck to phones.

People who own a Blackberry, or even people who don’t own a Blackberry get hooked on the things. It could be the texting, it could be the web browsing capabilities (I’m making it sound like I’m trying to sell this shit, eh), or it could be just so you can say “look how awesome my phone is!” in which the response is someone swiping your Blackberry from your arrogant ass. Whatever it is that people are addicted to, it seems to be ever growing. Try to take a Blackberry from someone and they might just go Bruce Lee on you and start throwing anything in there vicinity at you (of course not anything that would damage their Blackberry). It’s the technology equivalent of crack, but people can’t get enough of them.

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Now one thing that bugs me, is seeing kids who you know are too young to have cell phones but they still do. Come on, who are you kidding?! Who the fuck are you calling, and why the fuck are you not with a parent or guardian? The world is a scary place out there and if someone wants to punk a cell phone from someone, it’s gonna be a kid. But this is just another level all in itself. How young does it have to go before we’re saying to ourselves “stop this madness. Why does that 12 year old have a cell phone and why is it better then mine?”. This is where I draw the line:

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Who’s that fetus calling? It knows two people at this point, it’s mother and father. And even that’s a far stretch. Can’t you at least wait til the kids out of the womb? (Yes people, I do know that photo is not real). Now if this kid can work a Blackberry at age one, imagine what else he can do.

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The Blackberry has affected the way people live and run their lives. All the accessories you can get for the damn thing is ridiculous. Like this, check this out:

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A sun visor for your Blackberry? Are you fucking serious?! Now I know some people are really protective over their Blackberry’s, but that is just ridiculous. What’s next, Blackberry earrings? Oh wait, too late.

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And for all you fans of Christmas, don’t forget to run out and get your great new Blackberry inspired (that’s how the website quotes it. I think it’s just an old Blackberry with paint and decorations. The website also quotes it’s “for your Crackberry addict”) ornament. It’ll be sure to have someone screaming “Why the fuck would someone do something so horrible to a Blackberry?!”.

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Did anyone know there’s a Blackberry mascot?! It’d be kind of funny to see a giant Blackberry walking around, but this is just dumb. As if they need a mascot to promote their product. They’re the hottest selling smartphones there are. And not even that, the mascot is ever changing. I smell something fishy here. They’re watching us, ha ha. So if you see the Blackberry mascot, resist the urge to want to check your email or a text cause you’ll be poking something that’s not a button.

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BONUS: Hail to the chief

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Yes people, Obama is still using his Blackberry. At first he was told no he couldn’t but if you tell a Crackberry addict they simply can’t have it, they’ll flip the fuck out and start a big rant on “why you can go to hell”, ha ha.

P.S. I’d like to thank the brilliant and great people I based this blog on, my BB companions: Robyn, my dad, Matt, Amber and most importantly saving the best for last, Kristin :).

Thoughts on paper

Posted in Uncategorized on April 14, 2009 by humourgod87

I realize I haven’t blogged in awhile, so I decided even if I wrote a short one, it’s better then no blog at all. I’ve been taking tons of pictures to use, but just haven’t found the motivation to write one recently. But I’m back, and I’m back hard! Get ready for this shit. Now this one probably won’t stick to the normal things that annoy me or make me laugh, it’s probably just things I saw and was like “hmm”. It could be annoying or funny though, sometimes both.

Driving home from the market one day, I see this sign:

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for those who can’t read, it’s a hearing and denture clinic. What the FUCK do those 2 have anything in common with?! And right next door is an animal clinic. What is this, the strip mall of unwanted things that they just stuck together to save some poor sap from having to give the hearing denture clinic prime space? If we’re combining things, why not make things like therapist dentist offices. They can rip your teeth out then you can complain how pricey it was and how it traumatized you. Still as idiotic as this sounds, I laughed at this sign.

Roaming the LCBO the one night a couple weekends ago, I naturally am indecisive (it comes with being a Libra). After several minutes I am pretty much unsure and just looking at every lable to see what has the most alcohol. That’s when I stumbled upon this:

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Now it’s not that I’m homophobic or anything like that, but I’m sure the name is what made me laugh. Needless to say, I didn’t buy it. Right next to this was the “Lesbian Rockstar Vodka”.

Stop the presses! About to be told is yet ANOTHER Wal-Mart story. Wandering around, as I sometimes find myself when I want to kill ten minutes or so I found this:

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Now yes I understand it’s just Splenda, but it was in the pharmacy section. Why the fuck was Splenda in the pharmacy section?! It has no medicinal value. Literally in the next aisle over was laxatives. This made me never wanna eat sugar again when I thought of the two together.

You ever see one of those places that says “Do not put cash through door slot”? It seems pretty reasonable why they would put it, cause people would bust through a door to get some cash. But then when you put a sign further down that makes it seem “if you are putting cash in, please do it carefully….and make sure no one is watching”. Here’s a prime examaple:

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The sign on the main door reads: No cash on premises. Alright, thanks for the info. Burglars can now know not to even bother with this place. But then the sign at the bottom reads: Do not place cash through mail slot. This leads me to believe if they aren’t placing it through the mail slot, they’re taking the money into the building. Mother fuckers, you just contradicted yourselves on paned glass, congratulations.

Bonus: City Recession Part II

Not only is paint coming off the roads out there, the city is making one legged walking signs. Cheap asses!

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What does that mean, you have to hop across the street?


Subliminal messages, Christian sex and white outs

Posted in Uncategorized on April 6, 2009 by humourgod87

Well if you’re here, then you’re reading my blog. Good, but keep reading. This is just the intro shit I write. It’s April finally, and Aside from what I wrote the other day this is my first entry of the month. Saddle up folks, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

What the fuck is with hidden subliminal messages these days? Everywhere you look, it’s all over the fucking place. So I’m sitting waiting for a movie to start the other day and finally it begins. Naturally I expect to see previews for other flicks when the screen comes on, but not these days. Someone decided in there bright mind “Hey, let’s put commercials in before the previews cause people don’t get enough of this shit at home”. First off, we get enough of it at home so stop it. Secondly, when I see subliminal messaging commercials that hint at something utterly disgusting, especially in a kids movie it’s even more wrong. Stick the subliminal messaging to some cell phone commercial or something.

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Now I’m not here to bash Christianity at all, but I heard a story the other day. There was a woman who had 15 children, and a reality show was taping her during her 16th pregnancy. Now 16 children is a lot, and you’d think “16 is enough, let’s stop having kids now”, right? Oh not this woman. After the show it reveals the women had 2 more children, bringing it up to 18 and was pregnant with her 19th child. She claims it was God’s will for her to spread as much love as she could. Listen lady, you’ve done your part now stop fucking and having kids. I say stop fucking cause literally this woman believes if she fucks, she does it to have children. I know it’s part of the Christian beliefs that sex is for procreation and not pleasure, but when is the line drawn where someone says “That’s enough kids, no more”? Try fucking for something other then kids. You’ll find out it’s incredible and when you don’t have to push something out in 9 months it’s even nicer.

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So I’m at the health card office the other day with my sister so she can update her address on her card. First thing, we get there and it is packed to the roof. She gets a number, fills out some papers and we wait for them to call her number. Sitting there bored out of my fucking mind, I notice they have a security guard there. Honestly?! Why does the health card office need security? Is someone stealing  too many pens, maybe forms. It made no sense to me. Though his other job entailed yelling people’s numbers up and telling them which gate to go to. I thought I’d give it a try, so I yelled out a few numbers and gates. I was louder then that guy. Give me a few weeks for my security license to come in and I’ll have that guys job ha ha.

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Now I know it’s getting warmer out so talking about snow is the last thing anyone wants to read about. But I said I’d blog about it, so I should before it gets even warmer. One night a couple friends and I are out driving, shooting the shit and such. Somehow we ended up in Waterloo (when I say “somehow” I mean she drove randomly along the highway, and she got off at that exit. Also when I say “that exit”, I automatically expect everyone to know the exit I mean, and because I forget which one it was ha ha). So were driving around, and decide to jump back on the highway to head home. Suddenly the weather shifts from nice snow falling, to white outs as far as we can see (which isn’t far), and nothing to guide us. We were literally driving blind. And to make things worse, after about the first ten meters driving, the lights along the sides of the highway, those huge mother fuckers. Yeah, they weren’t lit. Actually, I’m pretty sure they didn’t even have any. Are you kidding me?! Why is it not important to have lights along the highway? Next thing I plan on writing will start as follows: “Dear Mr. Harper….fuck you”.

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Bonus: Spot the real dog

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If you really can’t see it, he’s the giant one in the middle.

Pregnancy scares, heart attacks and playas

Posted in Uncategorized on April 1, 2009 by humourgod87

Blog time fuckers! It’s April fools day, the day when you can play practical jokes on unsuspecting (though isn’t everyone you play a joke on this way?) people to get a laugh for your own pleasure. To some of these people I applaud your creativity and ingenuity. But there’s some out there who are still using the oldest shit in the book and to them I say get fucking original moron, your shit isn’t cutting it. This isn’t ’89. One practical joke I heard someone do I thought was brilliant was that shortly after having a child with her husband, the woman opted to have her tubes tied. For her joke she told her husband she was pregnant. Now that’s enough to make you go “what the fuck?!”, but she topped that. She did it over the phone, and had her husband totally fooled. In fact the husband was so pissed off he was calling the doctors every last name in the book and threatening to hang up the phone so he could call his lawyer to sue the asses off the doctors. Now this is why I find it so brilliant. It did what it was meant to do and it pissed him right the fuck off, but towards the right people. Cutting a hole in the bottom of the milk bag, fuck off. That ain’t funny.

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What the fuck is with every place in the history of the fucking fast food world getting their own versions of snack wraps. Whether it be the chicken snack wrap from Tim Horton’s. Please, you’re a coffee place firstly, and a fast food joint secondly. Yes, it’s cool you wanna compete in the dominancy that is snack wraps but stick to donuts and cookies. But that’s not even what’s the worst. McDonalds has recently introduced a wrap version of their most popular burger, the big mac. The big mac snack wrap is a fucking atrocity. I thought snack wraps were meant to be healthier, at least in some form. This is fucking disgusting, and whoever is that stupid to buy one, I hope the extra calories clogs you up.

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Also, check this out. I typed in big mac snack wrap and look what showed up:

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Hilarious!

So I’m going to the ATM the other day, (that’s a bank machine for all you people going “What the fuck is an ATM?”) and naturally it’s late so I have to use that one they place outside the bank. No problem, or so I think. I get there and just as I reach for my card this no non-sense girl leaps out of nowhere and grabs the ATM. It’s only a few minutes to use an ATM, so no biggy. To all us normal people it only takes a couple minutes tops, not these douchebags. They must have taken there card out 3 times and pushed all the buttons on the machine. First off, learn how to use an ATM, secondly get the fuck out of line for us people who have real transactions to do. And I say that cause literally, they didn’t deposit or take out money. It’s like they wanted to see what every button did.

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This blogs been mostly things that are annoying in a sense, but some of them still manage to give me a chuckle. Here’s one that does both. Playas. Some people have this apparent “skill” and some, well not so much. Firstly the things that bug me to no end, what sort of achievement do you get out of this? You can talk the talk, and walk the walk, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. It causes blocks and drama. But there is a funny part to it. Those people who couldn’t play to save a kitten from a burning tree (my analogies suck, ok). They try to play like two or three different people at a time, and hope that it can all melt together well. But then something gets out of hand, and suddenly you’ve got some person who thought you were crushing on them suddenly a stalker you have to watch your back for. The stalker thing, not so cool. But the fact someone got played and then gets so aggravated over it that they’d stalk the person who did it, that’s hilarious. They’re not going to get anything out of it in the end except maybe a restraining order. The moral of the story is, don’t try to play creepers who if you turn on them are suddenly enemies who would kill to see you in the alleyway behind KFC.

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BONUS: Springtime is here motherfucka’

I saw this car in the mall parking lot the other week, you know what that means. And if you don’t, please look up a few inches to the bonus title.

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I’d also like to point out, if I make a laugh at your expense in this blog it’s cause I like you. Making a joke and being able to take it is one of the highest forms of flattery. So for all you who have graced the presence of my blog writing, thanks for being interesting to write about.