Archive for March, 2009

Wi-fi, spelling and the recession

Posted in Uncategorized on March 28, 2009 by humourgod87

Good day folks. Blogging on such a nice day, out on the balcony, and it feels fucking phenomenal. Wind blowing in my hair, all that great spring time shit. But fuck, let’s get to it. I haven’t blogged in a few days, and I say it everytime but honestly, I’m sorry to my loyal readers for making you wait. You can kindly pass me a “fuck you Alex”, or even a “eat shit, where’s your blog?!” and I’d totally understand.

Topic number one, motherfuckers. There’s these people out there, and when I describe them I’m sure everyone has there own mental images of this stereotypical person. The people I’m talking about is those people who spell like tHiS or spell words in a funky way, ie. boii, sexii, holla etc. Now it doens’t nerve me so much, but could you not honestly spell something as simple as boy? And come on, it’s three fucking letters! When you spell boii, it’s an extra letter motherfucker. And what, was i the only vowel that works. It seems to be the “go to” vowel. It’s really the only one that fits. You aren’t gonna see someone chatting away on msn saying “Yo, wassup my boaa?”. I is the only vowel that works, it’s not even like you people took any effort to try. Fuck sakes it’s lazy on your part but making a short word longer by “slanging” it, you good sir get the fucked up award. Congratulations.

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(I’d like to point out, I do know some people who do that, and I’m totally making a joke of it for my blog sense. I in no way think any less of you. There’s one woman in specific who does it who I know will read this, so I wanna say thanks to her: Kristin, this one’s for you.)

Who’s ready for a rant? Well here goes. You know what I say fuck you to this blog, Twitter. Fucking lick the dog shit off the sidewalk you fucking stupid, cunt licking, waste of time, asshole eating, ball sucking site. What the fuck is the point? And before I get all you Twitter motherfuckers on here saying “Hey, shut up ok! It’s addictive and I like it”, fuck you. That’s literally all I have to say, fuck you. In two words I can sum up. I don’t need your stupid 141 word message to tell you how I feel. And yes, I have researched it so I know what it is before people come bashing me saying I don’t even know what it is. Get a life! If you have to know what someone is doing, give them a call cause checking someone’s status, or as they call it “following” someone’s twitter status’, you might as well be a fucking stalker. Fuck twitter, and fuck pointless sites.

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So I’m at Burger King the other day, getting some of those tasty little burger shots. I’m waiting in line for my burgers, and naturally I’m just looking around seeing if there’s anything interesting I can use for my blog. I take a look around and there’s a dude eating BK while surfing the web on his laptop. First of all, I didn’t even know BK offered wi-fi. They have updated there BK’s I will admit though, with the news on fucking 24/7. Who really wants to watch some shit about the economy with Stone Phillips while chowing down burgers? Secondly, could this guy not wait? The guy is wiping his hands constantly to make sure nothing got on his laptop, and I understand but maybe he could have just waited 5 to 10 minutes. Maybe he was on the BK website filling out his survey for a free whopper for all I know. Either way, it made me laugh.

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Surfing the web looking for pictures I stumbled on this. Germany, you funny sons a bitches.

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Cities and townships are now struggling even harder in this economic recession we’re in, so we’re starting to see the effects of it. I was walking to get some DVD’s the other day, and noticed this:

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Kitchener, what kind of paint are you using?! Still, it’s funny how we’ll replace walk sign bulbs that are missing a leg or something, but we can’t use paint that will stick to the ground. Oh recession, how I love thee. Another funny but sometimes annoying thing this recession has brought us is higher prices. And not just that, but in some of the least likeliest places. Take a look:

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I thought the point of a dollar store was that everything was $1, ha ha. It’s funny they had to post a sign (might I add, they were plastered all over the store), but do you really think someone is going to complain at a dollar store. If you read my past blog, you’d know there’s some prick out there who probably would.

BONUS: Police fail spelling test

I was at the police station the other day filling out some paperwork (ask for the details if you want to know), and I see a poster saying how to spot marijuana crops and how illegal they are. All’s fair, those people are stealing land, but the fucking cops couldn’t eve spell marijuana right. Fucking hilarious!

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Note: It’s in the banner. Marijuana is spelt “marihuana”.

Farmer’s markets, mohawklet’s and free shampoo

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009 by humourgod87

I blog when I have stuff to blog about, mostly when I’m bored and I love having loyal readers and fans of my blogs. So first off those loyal, fan readers of my blog out there, thanks. I never thought I’d be the kind of person who would blog. It never clicked with me, and partly I thought “Who the fuck would wanna read stuff that goes through my head? Who honestly would find this as funny as I did?”. For my loyal readers this has been far too long to wait for my next entry. So without wasting too much of your time and making it all nostalgic, here it is. Fuck sakes, I’ve got a bunch to talk about.

I haven’t been to a farmer’s market in forever!  But I went last week, and I must say….it’s a little over done. Just kidding, but really it was a lot of fun. There is some things about those market’s that just bugs the shit out of me though. People who to me sell some shit no one in there right mind would buy. That bugs me enough, but then seeing someone buy the shit I think “how fucked are you? You just bought a toaster scraper!” I saw some really stupid shit the other day at the market, take a look:

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Also at the market, you see plenty of interesting and sometimes weird displays. They want you to get to know the product before you buy it pretty much. Now a little taste sample here and there is great, and a free display of shameeze is all fair, but this took it too far:

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Are you kidding me?! Who wants a pair of fabricated, electronically controlled man-balls massaging them? Could you see a woman at home saying “Honey, whip your balls out, rub some oil on my back and go to town”. No, cause it doesn’t happen.

So I go to get my hair cut the other day, get in, leave my name, and they tell me it’s a half hour wait. “Great”, I say. I’ll go walk around a bit come back and drop in leisurely right as the half hour is up. Turns out I put the wrong time on the sheet, and I guess I’d just go back earlier. I’m looking through hair magazines (shit like New Doo Weekly. Honestly who gets a new doo every week?!), and there is some atrocious shit in there. It must have been from the late 80’s, early 90’s. Needless to say when I sit down you think the first question would be “how would you like it cut?”, but no this broad asks me if I want it shampooed. At first my initial thought was “Is this extra”, then was “Well I showered before, do I need to”. So I figure, why the fuck not. Then as I’m getting it lathered and rinsed, it occurs to me. I haven’t had anyone else wash my hair since I was….5. People pay these people to do something so simple. Again, might I mind you this was the hair cutting place in Wal-Mart, so enough said. The haircut turned out great so I looked past the awkwardness. But it’s funny, after she shampooed and dried my hair she got this real awkward “soooo, what’s up” kind of attitude to her like she’d just given a blow job in the back room.

p.s. I was doing spell check and blow job spelled as one word is a typo, there’s a space but the computer still knew what I was meaning to type. Sick fuck of a laptop.

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My brother Rodger and I swear, anyone could take stories from Wal-Mart and make that into a blog of it’s own. I know I’d read it cause almost everyone’s Wal-Mart stories tie into one another.

These days, people have gotten accustomed to drinking something they could get out of a tap from a bottle. What is with the water phenomenon going on? (Might I point out, I drink the bottled stuff like it’s water….wait, it is). People haven’t used tap water for drinking since the civil war. It’s not healthy people say. Now I can see people’s concerns, and a water bottle is convenient when you’re out on the go. But the newest “green friendly” (because what, plastic bottles aren’t recyclable enough) thing is water in a tetra-pack. For fuck sakes, get a life! Anyone sees a person with a water bottle, and think “hey, easy to carry and concealable”. Then you have yourself a tetra pack and people think “is this guy carrying water flavoured broth to cook up some soup?”.

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Mohawklet. Yes, some of you might be wondering, what the fuck did he just say? And also what the fuck is it? It’s possibly the worst fucking haircut/hairstyle someone could have. It’s my own word for someone with a mohawk (or even a faux hawk), combined with a mullet. That my friends, is a mohawklet. I know this sounds like a new drink from Starbucks, but come on. Seriously, you fucking douche get a real haircut and stop jerking off to Cyndi Lauper.

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BONUS: No fries?!
Going for lunch a couple weeks back, I look over the menu, see a delicious clubhouse sandwich and am sold on it. I ask for gravy on the side for my fries cause that’s how I roll. The plate gets there, and the gravy and to my own stupidity, it seems the sandwich came with coleslaw, not fries. Fuck, I was stupid that day ha ha.

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Snow, Wal Mart, and undiscovered twins

Posted in Uncategorized on March 20, 2009 by humourgod87

It’s been a few days people, and I’ve been slacking with my blogs. I know! I’ve had people who say “what the fuck Alex. Where’s the next blog?!” And I say “Get the fuck off my back, I’m working on it!” Haha, only kidding. But it’s nice to know I have such loyal readers. So without further adieu, my next installment in shit your pants laughing theatre.

So it’s been a great few days this past week with the weather. It’s been sunny, hardly any rain, maybe a little wind here and there but all in all, fantastic weather for March. Suddenly one day breaks this record we’ve seem to had and everyone flips. It snowed yesterday, but the weather today melted it away. Can I also remind you people we live in Canada here! There’s snow, a good portion of time through November-late March, even sometimes early April. It’s completely normal and if I hear ONE more damn complaint about the snow, I’ll flip the fuck out. Maybe if you dressed proper for the weather idiots. If snow happened in Florida, then it might be a reason to complain.

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So I went swimming after having not gone swimming in like….a fucking long time, I don’t even know how long it’s been. I think “okay, I’m looking fit. My suit fits (which was surprising), I’m gonna get in and just try to run some back and forth swim type warm ups.” Fuck, was I wrong. First off, don’t ever do a dive like you see on TV in the Olympics, cause you are no professional like them. I hit that water like a fat guy, my belly was red as a lobster! To sum it up, I wasn’t as par as I thought I was, ended up looking like Phelps on pot (wait a sec…), and ended up hurting my stomach and neck to shit. It’s probably why I spent the last 10 minutes in the sauna.

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On a side note, I usually skim photo sites looking for pictures to photoshop for my blogs (unless I snap some myself, which I have done before), and I ran across a photo everyone needs to check out. Look at this guy, he’s fucking tickling a shark! That motherfucker gets props from me, because if he did it even 1% wrong, he’d have no hand. Kudos to you, shark tickler.

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So it’s no assumption that almost everyone on this planet (over-exaggerating of course) has been into Wal Mart at one time or another. Well I’m in there the other day, and I grab 2 cans of ravioli, some candy and pizza pops. I get to a line with one other woman in it, and think “great, less of a wait”. God, was I wrong. The lady in front of me was Asian and she’s going on one of those typical Asian rants in line to the cashier. Now I understand people can have there rants, but hers was ridiculous. I’m paraphrasing here, but it went something like this: “Sorry miss, no these pants are coming up at $14.96.” “No, tho pans aw fo-teen dolla” (yes that’s how she pronounced it). I’m thinking, for a measly $0.96 you’re making a huff? Seriously, who cares. Then a manager comes over and explains she looked on the shelf she got them from and they are $14.96. Then the Asian lady again goes on a rant, “NO! They aw only fo-teen dolla. I show you way I got dem”. Needless to say another cash opened up at this point and I moved lines.

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Another thing that was hilarious about another Wal Mart experience. There’s this huge blockade of people set up right outside the sport section, and I’m wondering if maybe there’s a book signing, some sort of local celebrity, maybe Sam Walton is there. Who the fuck knows! Oh no, nothing like that, turns out these people are watching a knife demonstration. Fuck off, and get out my way idiots. But oh no, it’s not just a knife demonstration, once you sit there blocking the aisles surrounding it to any and everyone for 20-30 minutes, you get a free pairing knife. All this shit for a $3 pairing knife. You people are suckers to Wal Mart. You might as well be sucking Sam Walton’s dick. It’s also important to note at one point the woman who was doing the demonstration left to take a break or something and these people were still waiting.

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Anyone here a Britney fan? Well I wouldn’t call myself a fan, but apparently people who look like me are HUGE fans. A couple of my friends went to the Britney Spears concert in Toronto the other night. It was a huge comeback tour I was told, but during all this they noticed a guy sitting a few rows away who looked like me. Now I admit, his nose looks nothing like mine, and I wouldn’t wear a scarf as an accessory to save my life. But other then that, that guy is my “Jew twin”. Makes me wonder if I have Asian twins, or twins of any other race. God can only hope if I do, they aren’t complaining about measly shit at Wal Mart.

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BONUS: Another proof of twins
Has anyone else noticed how shockingly similar Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking look alike? It’s funny that in some odd world, these two were brothers. Way to go Bill, you look like a vegetable who speaks through a box.

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Happy St. Patrick’s Day, now fuck off!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 18, 2009 by humourgod87

Before I begin this blog, I’d just like to mention I have nothing against the Irish, nor have I ever. The Irish are a great group of people. That said, if you’re Irish, read this and get offended or pissed just remember your dumb ass kept reading on after this warning.

Today is March 17th, which means it’s time for everyone (and when I say everyone I mean the hacks who think beer colored a different color is a reason to celebrate) to go out and drink. People don’t get that St.Patrick had absolutely NOTHING to do with alcohol, right? He wasn’t even the patron saint of anything like love or war. He was the patron saint of Ireland. It doesn’t take a fucking wikipedia page to tell anyone that. And aside from what everyone thinks, green is not associated with St.Patrick or St.Patrick’s day. It was an Americanized idea brought overseas. Don’t believe me? Look it up.

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So searching for a blog topic, I find this one easy to write. And I know now I’m gonna get people who like it, and can take a joke. And then they’re will be those ones who knock me for my lack of creativity and tell me that this blog just wasn’t quite what they expected. It’s all for a laugh people, stop taking this so seriously haha. I like a lot of the things I write about, I just find some easy to poke fun at.

I’m not getting into the history of St.Patrick as a person, or how the tradition was started. There’s plenty more to make fun of and I’m getting right to it (after rambling on for three paragraphs of course)

St.Patricks Day is an excuse to get drunk, forget your responsibilities and act like a moron who thinks they are a beer connoisseur at any and every pub. And do you notice how every person who goes to an Irish pub seems to act like they have just a little bit of Irish in them so they can fit in? We can spot you pastey white motherfuckers from a mile away. Just cause you researched Guinness before coming here doesn’t make you an expert.

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Four leafed clovers, what’s the deal? These are not just related to St.Patricks Day but it’s when they are most brought up. Ask anyone what a four leafed clover looks like and I’m sure you can get a description or maybe even a drawing on a cheap cocktail napkin. But ask those same people what each leaf means, and half of them if not more will have no clue what the fuck you’re talking about.

4-leaf-clover

Leprechauns, those magical green bastards that are impossible to catch. The legend says if you catch a leprechaun, he will give you the treasure at the end of the rainbow. This sounds like a tale from a drunk person more then a story I’d hear and think “fuck, why are we sitting here?! Let’s go get us some gold!”. Aside from that, they’ve always been portrayed as midget (little people for all you political correct jerks), and wearing lots of green. Clearly this is the idea and tale of a drunk man because no way would anyone of regular proportions not be able to outrun a midget.

p.s. has anyone ever found Lucky from the Lucky Charms commercials to just be a little offsetting, in a pedophile way. The dude hangs around with kids all the time claiming “they’re after me lucky charms”. Sick fucking bastard.

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BONUS: Honestly Nike, you wasted your money on this?!

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You can wear these shoes maybe once, twice a year and that’s it. It looks like something out of Neverland Ranch.

I hope I didn’t offend anyone in this blog, especially the Irish. Hopefully you can all take a joke. I have a four leafed clover of my own, I do know the meanings of the leaves, I can understand the people who wanna go out and drink cause they hardly get to, and lastly I like Lucky Charms as a cereal. But seriously, fuck Nike for making those retarded shoes.

Rim rollin’, cheesy one liners, and Nazis

Posted in Uncategorized on March 16, 2009 by humourgod87

Sitting around I usually find it very easy to find things that annoy the shit out of me. It’s sometimes even easier to find something that makes me laugh hysterically. So far from what I’ve written in these blogs, I have quite the following. I’d just like to say thanks to all my loyal readers. Now that the sentimental moment is over, let’s get this shit fucking rolling.

From February til around May Tim Horton’s runs the “Roll Up The Rim” promotion (now before I begin, I’m not badmouthing Tim Horton’s at all. I’m making fun of something people try to take advantage of during these times). Something I find absolutely downright funny, is that people can get so pissed about not winning at “Roll Up”. It’s just a coffee game, it’s not like you just lost $30,000 at the poker table. And another thing I laugh at is those people who win a coffee, but then get to the register and go “I don’t drink coffee. Is it possible to redeem this for a coke?”. No, it’s not okay to redeem it for a coke. Plus if you don’t drink coffee, how did you win a free coffee that came from a coffee cup?

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Bars, what is there to say about them. Either you love them, or you sorta like them but would rather not go. People can have love-hate relationships with them as well. But nothing is worse then going to a bar and trying to get picked up by cheesy pick up lines. It’s mostly women, but men can get the cheesy lines sometime. Here’s a list of some of the worst shit you will ever hear. Whoever has fallen for any of these, I feel sorry for you.

1. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
2. Do you wanna go for a snapple? (True story. The guy asking must have been 5 fucking years old. What a loser)
3. Is your last name Gilette, cause you’re the best a man can get
4. What has 142 teeth and holds back The Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
5. Hey, how about you pick me up from my doctor’s appointment and then we can go do something? (Another true story. This guy was also a loser for putting this line out there. It’s a note to add that the two people had never met or even talked on a regular basis)

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So the other day I get picked up for work, we go and pick up the other guy who’s in our carpool and head off on the expressway to work. Everything’s going great, all is good on the roads. I’m sitting in the back, minding my own business for a few minutes and suddenly SCREECH! The breaks skid and I’m thinking “who the fuck doesn’t know how to lane change that we had to slam on the breaks?!”. I should have looked up first though, cause as I look up I instantly reacted. There was a lifeless body lying on the expressway. What the fuck?! Who could comprehend what was going on. It seems the man jumped off a bridge to try to end his life. Who are we fucking kidding here. This guy chooses a 15′ bridge over an expressway. People could survive that (as he did). Turns out he has two broken legs. Way to fuck other peoples days up by trying to kill yourself and failing most of all. I was sympathetic when I thought he might be dead or seriously injured, but two broken legs. I missed eating before work because I was sickened by what I saw. Stupid bridge jumper.

p.s. We almost hit the guy with the car, and if he had fallen on the roof of the car or damaged the front fender by hitting it when he jumped, it’s not covered by your auto insurance.

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Has anyone seen the new Academy award nominated movie, The Reader? Well it made me think. Rarely ever do you see a movie with Nazis or even Germans who speak in a German accent. Nine out of ten times these SS officers have an accent from one of the British Isles, mostly England. Really, you expect me to believe that some guy tortured and burned Jews alive, and then you give him the same accent as John Cleese. I laugh that they’ve even now given German roles to white actors with no accent or experience in accent work in film. Get me some real big Hitler motherfucker and I’d buy into that film 100%. Otherwise, it’s probably a great film but I won’t get into it.

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Sex swings, card games and dirty eskimos

Posted in Uncategorized on March 15, 2009 by humourgod87

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So I’m sitting here thinking, ‘I can just take it easy til I can come up with the next few topics to discuss for my next blog’. That’s what I thought, but my blogging has become so fan famous in just 2 blogs I’ve been asked to crank another one. I feel like a circus freak here. This is my freak of nature talent, blogging apparently keeps the crowds flocking back. This, my friends, is a blog by request. Now you’d think, “Why the fuck would he let a good thing go bad by writing about something he didn’t even want really?” Listen, shut up okay? I thought about it and I pieced it together. It took me a couple days longer to work the little pieces together but it’s going to be hopefully as funny. The topic of choice for this blogs madams and sirs, is sex. So grab your lube, pop on some Redtube porn, strap on the dildos and clean your sphincter cause this shit is about to go hardcore.

Now unlike my normal blogs (the two that I have had), I usually rant on about things that annoy me, piss me off or make me shit my pants with laughter. This time it’s all over the fucking page. It could be funny, it could be just downright stupid. It’s sex here folks, it’s not rocket science.

Sex toys, fuck chairs, and all the in between

You’d think everyone knew almost everything there was to know about the world of sex and sexual pleasuring. Well no, everyone is not Jenna Jameson, so sit down and read. I listen and read a lot of shit so I find myself to be pretty knowledgeable about a lot of things. One thing that shocked me the other day was finding out there was such a thing as a sex chair, but oh no people it wasn’t just a chair. It somehow folded out into a table with straps and gagging devices if I remember right. Who needs that, honestly? Have people forgot that a bed is not just for sleeping. That’s a pretty flat surface, and guess what it probably feels better then fucking on a hard table. This lead into another sex like apparatus people get very into. The sex swing. It’s very popular with people who want to get the feeling back from childhood apparently. Who wants to reminisce about there childhood memories while having sex?! And if you don’t take my word for it, take a look:picture-41love-swing

Something just isn’t right about that.  Who possibly wants to reminisce about their childhood while having kinky sex?! And who are these people kidding. I’m sure most people don’t refer to it as a “love swing”. Yes, people make love and people fuck, but it’s highly unlikely you’re making love while your fucking mission impossible style. I’d like to point out though, as much as I have just said about it, it might look like it’s not for me and that it’s old news. I for one want to set for the record, a swing might be in my future. Fuck yes! Another funny hilarious fact about this popular sex apparatus is people are now finding ways to use it in there everyday lives. Look below for my example, this is a true review I kid you not:

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It’s not fun at all I’ll tell you. The swing is for fucking, not watching some pigskin get tossed around. What’s next, having your sex slave chairs and table set up for poker night?

Speaking of card games though people have now taken regular decks of cards and turned them into sex games of some kind. But the ones that take the top honour is games like the one below:

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Who would wanna make sex into a card game? Card games take too long! Hahaha. You don’t see people playing sudoku while having sex. It might bring a whole new meaning to 69.

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Nudie pictures, and the things that come from them

It’s almost assumed that 90% of people these days have taken pictures of a naughty nature. Whether this be for a giggle (hopefully not), arousal, revenge (someone takes one then sends it to all your close friends to get back at you), teasing, or sexual pleasuring (pretty self explanatory. If you don’t get it, you shouldn’t be reading this blog haha). But these days it seems as long as you can get the trust of someone, you might just show your goods. Or like this dude:

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He clearly probably can’t even play “Mary had a little lamb”, but he knows chicks dig the guitar. Another thing that is very popular today is sending naughty pictures over a cell phone. Picture messaging has now become almost as easy to use as text messages. It’s as easy as cutting and pasting if you were in grade 1 for everyone to fully understand. If you’ve ever taken a naughty or dirty picture you’ve probably also sent that picture over a phone. Now you’re dirty on a technological level. Way to go, bud.

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Such pictures can fly from one person to another possibly, get lost or sent through cyberspace. Beware of who you decide to show your tits (if you’re a woman), or your cock (if you’re a guy) to, cause next thing you know you could be rolling through google and there it is for everyone to stare and oogle. This image below kinda reminds me of a modern day “Pink Floyd Cover Art”, but it’s just women and their thongs hanging out. Everyone can stop drooling now.

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Things that sound dirty but aren’t

Have you ever seen something and thought “what the hell is this doing in the plain view of everyone to see?!” but then realized you were looking at a can of tuna. Take a look at these things, that we see probably everyday:

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Double stuffed oreos, how did Nabisco look past this one? Could it be more sexual? I suppose they could have been called double penetration oreos, but the name was scrapped by a 5-3 vote. And another thing that sounds dirty, but by no sense is it at all, 3 way calling. Something sounds mildly dirty about it, but unless your on a conference 3 way with two hookers from Bangkok, then no.

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BONUS: Halloween costumes

Take anything and you can make it into a woman’s costume. Sexy cop, sexy sailor, sexy sex slave (that ones a little too much haha).

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Sexy eskimo, really?! This one is ridiculous cause who would dress as a regular eskimo? People would ask what you are, get confused then just go “Oh, you’re a Canadian”. Fuck you pricks.

Welcome To Crackbook

Posted in Uncategorized on March 11, 2009 by humourgod87

In this day and age, we have all come to love the newage technologies we have come so accustomed to. For instance, what would we do without DVD’s, MP3’s, our ever popular Blackberry’s (which famously has been dubbed “Crackberry”), or the internet? We’d all fucking go nuts, that’s what! If we find ourselves even 2 hours without one of these we’ll start to feel like we’re cut off from the outside world. But one of these massive technologies has shaped the way everyday people live. This my friends, is Facebook. Now I’m not gonna ramble on about how it was formed cause as I’m sure we all know, it’s one of those triumphant rise from the ashes just as you think you’re down stories. Fuck you, Mark Zuckerburg. Seriously though, it’s changed the platform for social gatherings, friendships and even relationships. Here goes my rant on what pisses me off and makes me chuckle a little about our favourite social website.

Things that make me say “Fuck this, I’m leaving Facebook”:

1. Facebook is now available to almost everyone in the entire world. It can be translated into English, French, Chinese, so on and so on. You get my point. That’s great, let’s let everyone become friends with someone they never met, and who lives in Jersey while they live in Mumbai. That’s great that Carl and Mumumbo can be friends, but one thing that pisses me right the fuck off, is how reliable a news source Facebook has become. Are you fucking kidding me?! This site is no better then Wikipedia (and I’m not badmouthing Wikipedia or nothing), but anyone can post anything they want. And on top of this all, it spins itself another way. Facebook is a news source, but it’s also been included in the news, not as a source. If you want an example, check out this link. It took journalism hundreds of years to be considered respected and trusted, and now its all gone to shit cause of this.

facebook-news

2. Facebook was once a handy site, where it was just for socializing and talking to friends from years past. Then they slowly edged in other things like ads so we don’t have to pay for the site. Cool, I thought. But this was just the beginning of the shit storm. They brought in applications and at first everyone was okay with them, but then they started bringing in hundreds upon hundreds of stupid pointless retarded applications. I’ve compiled a short list of things I thing are fucking stupid:

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I only made it bigger so everyone can see just how dumb these are. Let’s go down the list. Lexulous claims to be the most amazing word game in the world. Not just 6 continents, but the entire world. Who is the creator of this kidding?! Have they never heard of Scrabble, or even Boggle. I’d even consider a crossword more popular then this shit. The next application on the list is Food Fight. If you have to be so stupid as to have a virtual food fight to get out some sort of teenage angst, you need to get a life, seriously. The application below that one is called Will you KISS me? It claims it will let you send kisses to family, friends, lovers, loved ones and even crushes. Who in there right mind would a) be sending kisses to a lover. Let me explain. This to me sounds like you’re sending one to an affair you’re having. No one wants that public so why would they? and b) No one sends there crushes a kiss. Who’s kidding here, they can barely talk to the person and you’d think they’d send a virtual kiss. Here’s a virtual fuck you to that application. And lastly an application called Thinking Of You. It says you can send cute and cuddly virtual gifts and pictures to friends and loved ones to let them know you’re thinking of them. Here’s an idea, WRITE IT ON THEIR WALL! If I wanna drop someone a message or a hello, I’m not sending some fuzzy cat. And I’m sure as hell not throwing a flaming potato pie either.

BONUS: What’s with tagging people who are in the background of a photo, or if one appendage is in frame? If they’re not a focal point of the photo, don’t tag them. It’s really annoying and when the person goes to see what photo of them has been tagged and sees that shit, they’ll delete your tag.

Things that make me go “Alright, I’ll stay on Facebook cause this is hilarious”:

1. Status updates. Not just status updates though, ones where people update there status like every hour or something though. Some people do it more often that that! It’s great you’re out going for a walk, or about to go to work but we don’t need to know when you got in from that walk that it was windy as hell out, or when you got to work that someone told you to pack up your shit and get out. I laugh a little when I see these people update, and some are interesting to read but the rest I just go “Oh, shit so and so updated again. Let’s see what they’re getting into now”.

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No for anyone wondering, she doesn’t update that much. But that’s the kind of thing I laugh about, haha.

2. The social aspect of Facebook has become the norm now adays that people are forgetting the old fashioned way of doing things. This could include talking to friends, staying in touch, making plans, making friends, reading news and  looking through pictures. But one of these Facebook social aspects takes the cake. Recently, I heard from a close friend of mine that she had been talking to a new guy. Nothing seems weird about that. But here’s where it gets fucking hilarious. Out of the blue he sends her a relationship request to be his girlfriend. She was awestruck as she kindly asked him why he had sent the request considering they were not in a relationship. He told her that was his way of asking her out. Hahahahaha, seriously? Have you never heard of a date, or even in person. How incredibly low do you have to be to not even ask in person? You want her to be yours and only yours and you ask over a social website. You, sir are the dumbest man ever. For all you wondering, she naturally turned him down.

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Facebook has changed the world we live in, but it’s damn addictive. Welcome to Crackbook. Facebook’s Anonymous meets on Thursdays.