Archive for February, 2010

Superheroes During The Recession

Posted in Uncategorized on February 4, 2010 by humourgod87

Holy shit Batman! Its not just us regular joe schmo’s being hit hard by this economic recession. Now it seems it’s oozed into the world of our once prominent and strong superheroes worlds. How you say did this happen? Someone fucked up and it’s bad for all of us. So if you think you’ve been hit hard by the recession, you’ve got it easy compared to these superheroes and villains.

Almost everyone is a fan of Superman, am I right? Ok, I didn’t ask you Marvel. But anyway, I mean the guy is from outer friggin space. He flies faster then a speeding bullet, and he can tear you in half like a fucking phone book (not that he’d do it, but he could if you pissed him off enough). But he’s been hit so hard by the recession, he’s now being forced to rent out an extra room in the Fortress Of Solitude. That’s supposed to be his area, his thinking spot and the guy is in such dire needs, he’s gotta have a room mate now. And how do you even make that appeal to anyone? It’s a house made of stone (were talking the original fortress here people). What if someone read Superman’s private diary? Do you know how that fight between room mates would end? I do. He’d rip you in half like a phone book.

Now it’s only right that DC gets hit by the recession, so would Marvel. But oh man, they got hit so much worse! Renting a room is nothing compared to what some of the X-Men had to go through. Take Wolverine, he started an outrageous gambling habit to get more money coming in, but in the long run he ended up losing his home (which the other X-Men were pretty pissed about), his friends and his famous adamantium claws. Eventually, down on his luck he sold the claws for something more easy to afford: butter knives. Poor guy, can barely cut a pork chop so there’s no way he’s scaring anyone with those things.

But Wolverine wasn’t the only one affected from the X-Men. Cyclops, that’s right folks. People started complaining he was doing more bad then good so he lost his job. You can’t just shoot lasers from your eyes and expect everything to be okay. It’s not. Down on his luck, he’d heard about a new procedure people were getting to enhance their eye sight, lasik. And with the last of his money he had, and hope he opened the Cyclops Eye Lasik Centre (as low as $99 an eye!). All operations may appear differently then what was advertised.

Now come on did you actually think Marvel had been hit worse then DC? Of course not. Aside from the X-Men, the only one being remotely affected is Spider-Man (but he’s ALWAYS been delivering pizza. How much worse could it get for the guy?). Quick poll: how may people remember having clowns at their birthdays as kids? A few maybe. Whatever, the point is the clown population dropped so this next villain saw it as an opportunity to earn a little cash on the side. By earn a little cash on the side I mean he’s had to take a second job just to feed his minions. I don’t know how he does it, but he makes a good living doing the clown thing.

Now try to tell me you wouldn’t be scared shitless so much that you’d hand every last penny in your wallet to a clown who came to your birthday party looking like that! By the way Joker, that wasn’t my card (no one said he was good at what he did, wait I did ha ha. Still, he earns a good living doing it). If you’re interested in having Joker do your child’s birthday party, or come to your adult party (he pops out of cakes too), just give him a shout.

Now when we want service, we usually want it fast, am I right? Of course we do, time is a precious commodity to us. When I mail a package I want it to get to the intended destination in 1)good condition, and 2)in speedy time. Now with the regular companies getting hit with recession and economic turmoil, one of the delivery services had to rise above the others. They had to make themselves stand out from their competitors. Those people are FedEx. Why FedEx you ask? FedEx now has the guaranteed fastest deliveries or they’ll shoot themselves in the foot. They can guarantee this because they have hired the one, the only, the Flash! Now he did have to sign some waivers and go through regular training just like everyone else did but it’s the Flash! He passed phenomenally! One downturn he did have to experience though: FedEx now owns him so they changed his uniform and slogan. God speed Flash, god speed!

Stay tuned for more superheroes during the recession. Same bat link, same bat blog!