I’m Baaaaaaaaaaack!

Holy fuck it’s been forever since I blogged. Been neglecting this a lot but no more. I am back and I have some shit I wanna talk about. Funny things, things that piss me off, things that I just don’t get why they have any use in the world. I’ve got a bunch of stuff written up so there should be some continuous blogs for awhile. Let’s get into this shit though, we have lots to talk about.

What is up with pomegranates?! First off if you like pomegranates, why? You probably eat them in some food that has it in it or some new energy drink that promises to boost your immune system or give you legs the size of tree trunks. Either way, it’s the most stupid fruit I have ever come across. Seriously, you eat what maybe 100 little “seed” shaped things and the rest is garbage. Imagine if we ate oranges this way. “Hey honey, were you gonna finish this orange?”. “Nah, that actual fruit. Throw it out! I already ate the peel.”. Pomegranate, you make the What The Fuck list.

I went on a field trip last week with my nephew. We went to the Canadian Legion for Remembrance week (Don’t ask why they chose October 18th-22nd Remembrance week). It got me thinking, didn’t you always feel upset when you went on a field trip and the bus drove by your house? Wait for it. Wasn’t it worse when the bus drove by your house and you still had to go back to school? What the fuck was up with that?! I usually was bused to school and half the time the driver I had was driving on the field trip. You know where I live! It never worked out that way eh. Can’t win ‘em all.

Is anyone else annoyed by those late night dating commercials? Honestly, we’ve all seen them and each time I see one they get more and more outlandish with their claims. For example: “Call now and be hooked up with the hottest people in town!”. For one, the woman on the commercial. She’s a paid model. For two, she wouldn’t be using that service to find guys if her life depended on it. She’d much rather be out finding guys who actually get out of their mom’s basement. Another outlandish claim: “Everyone fun and exciting is staying in on a Saturday on (Fill in Dating Site here)”. Get real. All the fun and exciting people are out on a Saturday, or at least not going on a dating service over the phone. All that aside though, one thing makes me laugh at these commercials. Do you ever notice how both the man in the commercial as well as the woman in the commercial both seem to be talking at the same time? Next time you see one, take a look. How do you possibly hear what they’re saying if you’re talking at the same time? Haha, what?!

And finally for this comeback blog, I offer a small bit of humour. I’m a very humourous person (so I’ve been told) and I like to imagine possible scenarios. Imagine this: How in the fuck did a pirate with hook hands do sign language? I know what you must be picturing and it probably looks something like this:

Yeah, it made me laugh quite a lot. Could you imagine the other difficult things a pirate had to endure? Like how the hell did he go to the bathroom with hook hands (That one I won’t even touch with a 10 foot pole), or how did they clap? Haha, there’s really no way to know, unless someone feels like hopping in their Deloreon and going back to teach the pirates with hook hands sign language. Didn’t think so. I’ll write again soon so be sure to keep an eye out.

Superheroes During The Recession

Holy shit Batman! Its not just us regular joe schmo’s being hit hard by this economic recession. Now it seems it’s oozed into the world of our once prominent and strong superheroes worlds. How you say did this happen? Someone fucked up and it’s bad for all of us. So if you think you’ve been hit hard by the recession, you’ve got it easy compared to these superheroes and villains.

Almost everyone is a fan of Superman, am I right? Ok, I didn’t ask you Marvel. But anyway, I mean the guy is from outer friggin space. He flies faster then a speeding bullet, and he can tear you in half like a fucking phone book (not that he’d do it, but he could if you pissed him off enough). But he’s been hit so hard by the recession, he’s now being forced to rent out an extra room in the Fortress Of Solitude. That’s supposed to be his area, his thinking spot and the guy is in such dire needs, he’s gotta have a room mate now. And how do you even make that appeal to anyone? It’s a house made of stone (were talking the original fortress here people). What if someone read Superman’s private diary? Do you know how that fight between room mates would end? I do. He’d rip you in half like a phone book.

Now it’s only right that DC gets hit by the recession, so would Marvel. But oh man, they got hit so much worse! Renting a room is nothing compared to what some of the X-Men had to go through. Take Wolverine, he started an outrageous gambling habit to get more money coming in, but in the long run he ended up losing his home (which the other X-Men were pretty pissed about), his friends and his famous adamantium claws. Eventually, down on his luck he sold the claws for something more easy to afford: butter knives. Poor guy, can barely cut a pork chop so there’s no way he’s scaring anyone with those things.

But Wolverine wasn’t the only one affected from the X-Men. Cyclops, that’s right folks. People started complaining he was doing more bad then good so he lost his job. You can’t just shoot lasers from your eyes and expect everything to be okay. It’s not. Down on his luck, he’d heard about a new procedure people were getting to enhance their eye sight, lasik. And with the last of his money he had, and hope he opened the Cyclops Eye Lasik Centre (as low as $99 an eye!). All operations may appear differently then what was advertised.

Now come on did you actually think Marvel had been hit worse then DC? Of course not. Aside from the X-Men, the only one being remotely affected is Spider-Man (but he’s ALWAYS been delivering pizza. How much worse could it get for the guy?). Quick poll: how may people remember having clowns at their birthdays as kids? A few maybe. Whatever, the point is the clown population dropped so this next villain saw it as an opportunity to earn a little cash on the side. By earn a little cash on the side I mean he’s had to take a second job just to feed his minions. I don’t know how he does it, but he makes a good living doing the clown thing.

Now try to tell me you wouldn’t be scared shitless so much that you’d hand every last penny in your wallet to a clown who came to your birthday party looking like that! By the way Joker, that wasn’t my card (no one said he was good at what he did, wait I did ha ha. Still, he earns a good living doing it). If you’re interested in having Joker do your child’s birthday party, or come to your adult party (he pops out of cakes too), just give him a shout.

Now when we want service, we usually want it fast, am I right? Of course we do, time is a precious commodity to us. When I mail a package I want it to get to the intended destination in 1)good condition, and 2)in speedy time. Now with the regular companies getting hit with recession and economic turmoil, one of the delivery services had to rise above the others. They had to make themselves stand out from their competitors. Those people are FedEx. Why FedEx you ask? FedEx now has the guaranteed fastest deliveries or they’ll shoot themselves in the foot. They can guarantee this because they have hired the one, the only, the Flash! Now he did have to sign some waivers and go through regular training just like everyone else did but it’s the Flash! He passed phenomenally! One downturn he did have to experience though: FedEx now owns him so they changed his uniform and slogan. God speed Flash, god speed!

Stay tuned for more superheroes during the recession. Same bat link, same bat blog!

Welcome to Crackbook, Volume II

There are so many annoying, funny, stupid, downright moronic things I could write about but I’ve chosen something almost everyone can familiarize themselves with. Facebook. Now yes, I know I’ve done a blog on Facebook already, but honestly everyday the site takes another stupid turn or puts something up I laugh about that how could I not write about it again? So I say….welcome to Crackbook….Volume II mother fuckers.

What’s the one thing people hate on Facebook? (Besides those ads for some beer party at some mansion that you or your puny friends will never attend). It’s application invites for applications they don’t want. I’m gonna single one out here: Farm town. Ok, when I say one, I mean all those stupid farm applications. Who has the time to tend to a fake farm? You wouldn’t see any of these people taking a rake or plow and digging in the dirt to get a few measly carrots. What’s funny though is the way the application invite asks if you’d like to join. They’ve gotten clever. “Help!There is a lost cow and he has no home. Will you help him?”. Well of course I’d like to help the stray cow, but if I help him all his cow friends are gonna be banging down my door. And who are they to play up on my compassion for stray animals. You know what, no I won’t give this stray cow a home, but sure as shit I’ll take him around the back of the barn, slaughter his ass and eat him medium rare with some A1 steak sauce.

When people take a quiz like “What’s your actual age?” What the fuck is there problem?! Do you really expect Facebook to give you a different answer then your real age? These quizzes are all over the place on this site. Idiotic things like “How will you die?” or “What’s your wedding date?”. First off, fuck you Facebook for allowing such retarded applications. Secondly, fuck you to the makers of these dumb quizzes. ANd literally, you take the quiz, it spits out your answer and then what? You never use that application again. It’s a one time thing, and you now look stupid for having to ask an application quiz on Facebook to tell you what your birthdate means. It means you’re a fucking idiot dickwad.

I like certain sites, and I usually stick to what I like. So what frustrates me and kinda makes me laugh at the same time is when people post links on Facebook that take you to a completely different website (half the time which you end up having to pay to get in, only to realize your friend just wanted you to watch a shitty 3 minute video of them doing something stupid). Now I’m all for youtube, and google links, funny videos but when I start seeing shit not even my dead grandmother would care to see, it’s just boring. No one cares that you think your cat talks and it’s totally cool and you plan to take him on David Letterman. Cut that shit out, you’re only looking like a complete asshole who’s full of themselves. Oh, and if you slowly somehow notice your friends number dwindling, it’s not Facebook. It’s you.

Who seriously wishes they could dance as well as a 7 year old? Learn to fucking dance and shut up.

Pictures are a great way to let people know what you have been up to recently. But when people post pictures in May of something they did while they were on Christmas vacation, who cares? No one cares. It’s cool to see what you did at the cottage over the long weekend, and how your summer was but your poker night party from a few months ago isn’t earth shattering. No one will like your album and you’ll be shunned from society for making people believe you have a better social life then you do.

Note: These photos are all from my own personal Facebook but I have protected identities for reasons. If I didn’t block your identity, it’s cause I don’t give a shit.

Space invaders from Kitchener

You know what pisses me off? When people deliberately invade your personal space. I’m not talking people butting in where they have no business being, or listening and eavesdropping. No, I’m talking those mother fuckers who can see that you shoved into a two by two space already and they STILL think “can you squeeze over an inch? I just wanna get right there which then I’ll be in your space but I don’t care cause I’m fucking ignorant”. Umm no, no I won’t squeeze over an inch, but they don’t bother to ask cause they think you’ll just be fine with it. Well guess what stupid person one and two on the bus yesterday, fuck you. I have a huge duffle bag, and myself shoved into a space that someone of my size with that bag should not be. But let your fucking niece or daughter or whoever the hell it was just rampage the bus. While you’re at it, get the fuck out of my space and maybe take those three seats to your left, and sit your ass down.

I had the unfortunate news last week that my Great Aunt had passed away from a stroke. All I could think about was how awful it was going to be to attend the visitation and the funeral. No one likes to go to those. When do you ever see Joe so and so saying “Wait, Grandma died? Awesome, I can’t wait to get my good suit out so I can show it off to all the ladies!”. But then there’s that one thing that I totally forgot I could look forward to. Well alright, two things I could look forward to. One, seeing family I hardly get to see and two, free candy. You don’t even have to deposit a quarter in there, nothing. It’s totally free. You could take the bowl, empty it into your purse or your pockets and there’s no real shame in taking it. It’s free people! I did notice one downside to the free candy though, there were only mints. There were no fruit flavored ones, but it’s free candy. Who’s complaining?

If anyone who’s anyone have been bored recently, a good idea sometimes is to pop in a movie. You know what the annoying thing is though about ALL these movies nowadays? They all run the stupidest, most idiotic commercials before the film. I’m not talking those ones where you see a monkey dial a phone and order a pizza, no. I’m talking those ones where they need to tell you that downloading movies is illegal. And then then need to make up a ridiculous rating like it’s a movie or something, “Downloading movies is rated I for illegal”. These commercials are rated FR, for fucking retarded. Even with all these downloading illegal content cases in court, it still doesn’t stop people from doing it. Do you think sending us on some biblical guilt trip will stop us either? Things like “would you steal a purse? Would you steal a TV? Stealing movies is stealing”. Fuuuuuck off! What are you gonna tell us next, that stealing movies will make us impotent?

You’d think if you were a donor you’d know it, right? Not all the time it seems. My sister works for a research company and they were looking for people who are organ donors, and people who aren’t organ donors. She calls up a women, around her mid-30′s and asks her if she’d like to take part in the survey to see if she qualifies to be put into a paid focus group. Sure, why not. This woman doesn’t even realize she’s an organ donor though. She goes to check her health card, maybe it was her driving license. Either way, turns out this woman is an organ donor and she never even knew it this whole time. How do you not know you’re an organ donor?! This sounds like another one of these ridiculous TLC reality TV shows like “I didn’t know I was pregnant”. Well maybe if you shut your legs and didn’t fuck like the Energizer bunny, you’d know tramp.

Listening to the radio the other day on the way to the train station (I know it sounds like I’m from the 40′s era, but just stick with me here), and I hear this triumphant commercial talking about bringing the Olympics back to Canada in 2010 and how great it will be to see Canadians win gold on their home territory. That’s awesome, and I hope that we do. The funny thing about this commercial is that the end of it is as quotes: “This belief is brought to you in part by the Vancouver 2010 Olympics”. One, who sponsors beliefs? If people could just get things by believing in them, many people would be believing they could fuck a stripper, not get an STD and she’d call you back. Get over it tanto, it aint happening.

Speaking of strippers, check out this picture below. Who has a bachelor party and invites women. But not only that, who brings a baby to it?! That woman is whipping her tit out on the spot and letting that dude lick a shot off her. That’s awesome, but come on. Could you not get a babysitter?

Back on topic though, just believing in something doesn’t make it happen. Like for instance, just because I wanna believe The Wiz was a good movie, I know for a fact that it was fucked up and that the director and several cast and crew were probably high out of their minds when they made that movie.

Random photos to make you laugh

Hannah Montana AA Pass. I kidd you not people. I’m sure it isn’t what it sounds like but the label is what it is.

There was a no smoking sign that had been repainted near the entrance to the mall. Right along the edge of the freshly painted sign, a cigarette butt.

Pizza, universal remotes and clever marketing

This here is a recession mother fuckers. Seems it’s cut into my blogging and then I say “how the fuck did that happen?” seeing as I don’t get paid for this shit. I should though, fuck, that’s it. It’s now $0.25 to read my blog. Nah, fuck it, you can read it for free but in return, keep reading.

Lots of people have hundreds if not thousands of electronics all over their houses. And with these lovely gadgets always comes an even more outlandish (sometimes complicated) remote control. And then these fucking remotes end up piling all over and we lose them and we break them. They’re just a whole other thing all together. If you lose your remote, it’s worse then you’re electronics being broken. You can rarely use that shit if you lose one, and come on. You lose them, we all know. Just admit it and move on. So what’s the solution? Universal remotes of course. Or so some would think. Now though these damn universal remotes are getting so big and frustrating, we’d rather use our own hands to change a tv station. JVC, Sony, RCA, whoever makes these things, STOP mother fuckers! They don’t help, and then when we lose the universal remote, all the shit is useless. What do you expect us to do, walk to the DVD player and hit play? Fuck that. Just check out what I mean by how big they’re getting:

Pizza, the diet for the lazy, unemployed fat slobs of America. Now pizza is good, in rational quantities. I’m thinking of ordering food the other night and think “hmm all that’s open is pizza”. Shit, I don’t want pizza. I’ve already had it once that week. So instead I go for a panzerotti. No people, it’s different then pizza. It’s like a pizza sandwich. But that’s where the problem began. They tell me it’s a minimum two panzerotti order for delivery. Cool, fine. I was hungry and I wasn’t just ordering for me. I’m starving as it is, so as soon as that pizza guy got there, I was all into shoving that panzerotti down.  I take one bite, and the damn thing tastes like a warm loaf of bread. I taste no meat, I taste no cheese, I taste no sauce. All I taste is warm bread. And to top it off, it had the texture of bread. You’d think a panzerotti would have a texture like maybe a pizza pop or at least toast. Not this fucking thing. I don’t know how I managed to scarf half of that down. It was disgusting. And pizza pizza, fuck you.

Driving down the road the other day I see Pizza Hut. This was after my horrible experience with the Pizza Pizza panzerotti, so I’m not even thinking of going for anything they wanna sell me. Though it does get me thinking “I wonder how good their panzerottis taste?”. I didn’t feel like going and trying, so I wait til the time is right to test it. I see something funny on the outside sign though. Was it a funny word someone misspelled? Was it something someone had changed so it said something dirty? No, not even close. Plastered on the sign is “RIP Michael and Farrah”. Are you serious? Do you expect us to believe that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett were both customers of this Pizza Hut establishment? Not even one of those fuckers were Pizza Hut. You ain’t fooling no one. And it’s been like a month, don’t you think corporate would rather you put up how delicious your pastas are and to order them then that? By the way, I fully endorse the Pizza Hut pastas. But again, fuck you Pizza Pizza panzerottis.

So what’s next? A Wal-Mart story of course. I’m full of these things. They’re like gremlins. If you splash water on anyone in your vacinity, one of those people is bound to have a story about Wal-Mart. And one of those people if not more then one is bound to shove their foot up your ass. So I’m walking through Wal-Mart (pretty sure I was wasting time doing something) and I see this:

A little beaver. I’m sure all the old grannies are dying to have one right away, and I’m sure all the house moms can’t wait to get one. Marketing ploys these days aim at everyone self-esteem and sex. Have you seen the ad for the Slap Chop? He flat out calls Americans fat pigs. Oh how I miss Billy Mayes. It’s all over the place too, like here in this Taco Bell food ad:

The Volcano Box, sure. If you want it to sound like your girlfriends pussy has some mangled, nasty STD.

Churches for sale, baseball and July 4th

Passing by a church the other day, I see a giant “For Sale” sign on the front lawn of a church. For one, who is selling a church? Wouldn’t that be like selling God for profit? I’m pretty sure that’s a sin ha ha. But back to the original thought, who sells a church?! It got me thinking though, wouldn’t it be awesome to buy this church that’s for sale and renovate it so that it was liveable? Just think about it before you say “Alex, that’s a stupid idea”. You’d have endless seating for guests, plenty of storage space, the place is massive for parties, and my personal favourite, you can pad those pews up and put a huge screen at the alter and BAM the best fucking home theater anyone could want, and you’ve got it. Soon enough you could start charging for that shit, make a little profit. But then again, seeing that it used to be a church and all making profit inside a church is probably another sin. Fuck, we’re all gonna sin sometime, might as well make a few bucks eh?

Anyone watch baseball? I know, sometimes it can be boring but it’s not THAT bad people. No it’s not quite as exciting as say hockey or football, but it sure beats the shit out of golf, tennis, bowling and curling. Watching the Jays game a few weeks back, you see home plate every time someone comes up to bat. Next time you’re watching (if you do catch a game on TV sometime, or just want to test my theory) watch behind home plate, where the spectators sit. You see some funny, outlandish sometimes laugh your ass off hilarious stuff going on back there. Like one time, a woman was getting up almost every other pitch to go to the bathroom, grab snacks, drinks, souvenirs. This lady was finding every excuse not to watch the game. But that’s not even the funniest. During a Jays-Washington game, there were 2 average guys sitting left of home plate and they were dressed in full umpire outfits and acting like they could call shots, fake throwing new balls out and even flirting with other fans. They looked ridiculous but damnit all, they were funny!

What is that guy holding, a radar gun? I’m pretty sure the MLB has someone else doing that, it’s there job.

I have a few pairs of board shorts, which is pretty much for surfing or wearing if you don’t surf lol. What I dislike most about these shorts is that they always only have one pocket. Sometimes the pocket is in the side, but most of the time that thing is right under your ass cheek. It’s not that big and you can’t fit a whole lot in there. So whenever I wear them I only take my essentials. Wallet, keys and phone. Ever had anyone dial you by accident and not know they’ve dialed you? These shorts when I sit will do not only that, but with my ass. I’ve ass dialed people, been on the line and then they hung up. I’ll get a call back and wonder “why are you calling me, what’s up?” only to discover after their story that it’s happened once again. It does it in some pockets of mine too, but it’s almost always guaranteed to happen in the shorts. I’ve had someone dial me when it was in their breast pocket, that was rather interesting though ha ha.

What I need to get me is one of these protective “Cell phone boxes”, but really who wants that?

The other day was July the 4th, and honestly who the fuck cares? I’m Canadian. . Americans are always trying to outdo us Canadian neighbours. Bigger wars, bigger guns, bringing fairs up to our community centers on their independence day. Fucking jerks! But really, I did more on July 4th then I did on Canada day. I went to a sprinkler park, community fair and got a wicked burn. Canada day was awesome though too, it just seems I did more on July 4th. The only thing missing on July 4th that I had Canada day that I would have liked again, a nice medium rare steak. Kill me a cow and make it quick. I definitely could have done without the burn though.

Being someone who wears glasses, I’ve got to deal with the day to day things people with glasses deal with. What those things are, I have no fucking clue cause literally as long as you put your glasses on in the morning, there’s nothing else to it. But something struck me as funny the other day, so I pose a question. Do you think if you fall asleep with your glasses on, your dreams are more in focus? I’m not serious here, but it’d be funny to know if it truly makes a difference.

RANDOM BONUS: High or not, you decide!

Dora and Boots looked conked out of their minds. I think they took more then just a “trip”. Wonder what else is in that backpack.

Winnipeg Nazis, the Canadian Mint and old people

So I’m listening to the radio the other week (yes, I know who the fuck listens to the radio anymore?!), and I hear this crazy ridiculous story that I’m thinking “what the fuck is this about? That’s one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard”. So here’s the gist of the story: A mother and step-father in Winnipeg drew swastikas and other Nazi symbols on their daughters skin to send a message to the school. What the FUCK?! What kind of message is that sending to the school, “we’re white supremacists and we hate Jews”?. But no, it doesn’t end there. Apparently the daughter had also been missing several weeks of school because she didn’t want to sit next to a “non-white” boy (there words, not mine people). When your racist beliefs and judgement rub off onto your kids, you need to fucking stop! It’s good to note this story has a somewhat “happy ending”. The girl was taken out of the home from Winnipeg F&CS, stating the girl was not given adequate care. Last note to notice, the parents had problems related to drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence and mental health issues. Fucking Nazi Winnipegers!

Here’s a link if anyone wants to check out the full story:

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/manitoba/story/2009/05/27/mb-custody-hearing-swastika.html

So I’m relaxing the other day when something funny occurs to me. People know that all our money comes from The Canadian Mint. And people get paid by working. Hopefully everyone is still following. This is where it gets funny. The workers who work at The Canadian Mint are getting paid from the product they make. I really hope I’m not the only one to find this funny. Could you imagine working somewhere and getting paid with the product your making?

Person 1: “I love where I work. I get paid in product.”

Person 2: “Oh really, that sounds cool. Where do you work?”

Person 1: “Fabricland.”

Person 2: “Oh. Yeah, thats not so cool then.”

Still, I bet those employees at The Canadian Mint make a pretty penny from there jobs (pun intended).

Staying on the Canadian Mint topic, they’ve reported last week that there is a possibility that they have lost several thousand pounds of gold. They are not sure if it a difference in their records or if it truly is missing. What?! How could so much gold be reported as missing and they don’t even know if it’s really even gone. First thing, look for any suspicious employees. If you see someone who looks like they’re smuggling out 30 pound lunchboxes everyday, watch that mother fucker closely. Or secondly, if anyone happens to get change one day and they find a gold nickel, something ain’t right. Either way, something with security as tight as The Canadian Mint, and this still happens. Either get your records in check, or get someone who will. Gold nickels would be pretty cool to see though. They’d be collector’s items.

Old people. Everyone’s got Grandma’s and Grandpa’s (hopefully at least. If you don’t then I’m sorry but don’t worry I’m not about to shit slam granny here). Some old people can be so bitter and some old people are the funniest people you will ever talk to. Passing by this elderly woman taking the dogs for a walk, she stops, chit chats and then offers to go get them some cookies. I’m thinking “wow this old lady is pretty sociable and getting around pretty well for her age” and then think “Alex, that was rude to think, she’s doing just fine” ha ha. At which point my mom walking the other dog blurts out “What’s taking her so long?”. Holy shit, like come on here, she’s nice enough to go get them cookies, and she’s like a little elf. Let’s give her 5 minutes here. She came back, cookies by the pound and then told us she’d see us again soon with more. Old people, gotta love ‘em.

RANDOM BONUS: What is that?!

What the hell is an occasional teacher? Someone who feels like not coming in Mondays, only working Tuesday through Thursday and taking Friday off so they can have a long weekend? Ha ha.